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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

June 09, 1998

Scary Moment: President Clinton's plane, Air Force One, disappeared last week from radar for about 36 seconds. "Luckily, Hillary had a LoJack on Bill's pants." (Jay Leno)

Meow: Hillary Clinton's name will accompany a book featuring all the letters people have written to Buddy the dog and Socks the cat. "This shows you the Clintons are maybe a bit odd. They've lost all of Hillary's billing records, they can't find any Whitewater documents, they have no idea where the phone records between the president and Monica Lewinsky are. Yet they have every single letter written to their pets. My cat gets mail, I throw it out after two days." (Leno)

Monica's List: Kenneth Starr has attempted to subpoena lists of books that Monica Lewinsky purchased from Washington, D.C., bookstores. Rumors say the lists may include these titles:

* "Ten Stupid Things Men Do to Mess Up Their Presidency"

* "Ten Stupid Women Presidents Do to Mess Up Their Presidency"

* "It Takes a Village to Satisfy a Chief Executive." (Bob Shannon)

Monica's List II: A judge said Kenneth Starr cannot get records of books Lewinsky bought at a Washington Barnes & Noble. "But rumor has it she bought 'Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee.' She thought it was a love story." (Albert Perrotta)

Deadhead: A major tabloid reports that Charles Manson said that if the Spice Girls ever visited him, he'd be willing to kill himself. "So, apparently, he's not crazy after all." (Leno)

Medical Alert: Officials are investigating the deaths of men who had taken Viagra. "Here's a scary thought: What if Viagra doesn't cure impotence? What if it's just early signs of rigor mortis?" (Leno)

*

The Butchered David Letterman list of "top presidential privileges":

* Can use high-resolution military satellites to warn when Hillary is coming.

* Gets to call PLO Chairman Yasser Arafat "Yas."

* If the president is hungry, he may commandeer a civilian's muffin.

* Can require the pilot of Air Force One to buzz Kenneth Starr's house.

* Has veto power on all new "Baywatch" hirings.

* Gets to attend the annual NATO wife-swapping party.

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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