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The Bland Hall of Fame (Somewhere in Des Moines)

June 10, 1998|MARTIN MILLER

The Bland Hall of Fame celebrates boring and dull Americans from all walks of life. Its mission, quite simply, is to treat with compassion the legions who suffer from this country's only unpardonable sin: being boring.

How many TV specials, documentaries or major motion pictures have been produced about bland people? Right, there haven't been any. What are we so afraid of? Couldn't we all learn from the Bland Hall of Fame's motto: "Bland is as bland does"?

Some recent inductees to the hall of fame for lifetime achievement:

* Sgt. Joe Friday: Most boring gumshoe who ever walked a beat. Most crooks surrendered and begged for solitary after a few minutes with Joe.

* Michael Dukakis: He tried to blow us away with that famous tank ride. Mike, you can run, but you can't hide from your own flat personality.

* John Denver: Listen to "Take Me Home, Country Roads" a thousand times and get back to us.

* Al Gore: The portrait of bland. People commonly believe they've contracted narcolepsy when he's around.

* Chef Boyardee: In a can or frozen, everything tastes and looks the same.

* Janet Reno: As attorney general, she has great potential for doing something interesting. However, she was granted an automatic bid to the hall of fame after it was learned she has never once found anything amusing.

* The Osmond Brothers: That incredibly bland quality obviously runs in the family.

* Gerald Ford: The closest he got to interesting was when he played golf and hit spectators.

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