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BEATTS ME!

His Hearts Are in the Right Place

June 14, 1998|ANNE BEATTS | Anne Beatts is a freelance writer who lives in Hollywood

The other day, I came across this flyer in my mailbox. I reprint it verbatim:

Dear Mrs. Anne Beatts (or Box Holder):

Maybe you don't need organ replacement now. But if you ever wake up one morning short a kidney, that's when you find out who your true friends are. That's why I'm offering to become your friend now, for a low monthly fee of only pennies per day.

Who am I? Some people call me "Doctor Death," but I prefer to be known as "Doctor Easing People Into a Dignified and Timely Departure of Their Own Choosing." Naturally I have expenses to cover in my dedicated humanitarian work, but let's not worry about that now.

I'm writing to you simply because I've discovered that, even though the vast majority of my patients would like to end their lives--they'd have to be crazy for coming to me otherwise--there are others who really, really want to hang on to them. And if, like many other Americans whom I never see face to face in the course of my daily practice, you want to go on living, then what better way to assure longevity than access to a constant supply of freshly harvested organs?

I am uniquely qualified to provide that access. That's why I created Doctor K.'s Organ Barn. We at the Organ Barn are thrilled to bring you this opportunity to avail yourself of immediate organ replacement, now and in the future!

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Without the Organ Barn, you could wait months, even years, for the organ you need. You might even grow increasingly ill, become despondent and decide to call me! But as a charter member of the Organ Barn, you are virtually guaranteed the organ you want, when you want and where you want, with only a slight additional charge for overnight delivery.

You'll receive our 180-page "Big Book of Organ Donors," updated every six months or whenever I pay a house call, free to all subscribing members. Just find the organ and the potential donor you want, mail in your organ request form or call our 24-hour toll-free hotline, (800) ORGANOW, and I'll do the rest.

Here's a sneak preview of the latest Organ Barn catalog:

KIDNEY RIOT! Kidneys, kidneys, kidneys--everyone's got two of 'em, and at the Organ Barn we've got more than we know what to do with. That's why we can let them go at the low, low bargain price of only $9,000 apiece, or $16,999 for two. (Does not include shipping and handling.)

LIVER SPECIAL! You don't have to be a famous alcoholic pop star to get the liver you've been waiting for today, packed in dry ice and rushed directly to the facility of your choice. Only $29,999 ($39,999 if you'd like it guaranteed Mormon).

HAVE A HEART! Ours are in the right place, beating for you--until they're not. Don't delay! Take advantage of this special limited-time-only offer while supplies last, only $59,995. Removal and installation by a qualified or very nearly qualified heart surgeon costs an additional $80,000, slightly more for sterile conditions.

IF YOU ONLY HAD A BRAIN . . . you wouldn't be reading this now. But don't despair, because thanks to a revolutionary new procedure that I'm working on in my secret underground laboratory, brain transplants no longer are the stuff of science fiction. You can get the brain you've always dreamed of, and be smart enough not to end sentences with a preposition. Prices on a sliding scale, starting at a rock-bottom $129,000 for donors who are confirmed fans of Rush Limbaugh's radio show.

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And that's just a sampling of the bountiful organ harvest that awaits you at the Organ Barn! Where else can you be absolutely sure of filling all your organ needs for the amazingly low membership fee of only $29.95 a month? So don't delay! Take advantage of this opportunity to become an Organ Barn charter member today!

Join now and as an extra-added bonus receive free a fully illustrated copy of my ever-popular manual on assisted suicide, "How to Stifle Yourself," as a gift for a friend or relative. Makes an ideal stocking stuffer for that hard-to-gift older family member who tends to suffer from post-holiday blues. Order now to guarantee Christmas delivery!

Or join with a friend and receive two free copies, plus a one-time only special offer of two kidneys for the price of one for the next six months! Remember, your need for an organ may only come around once in a lifetime--but so does an offer like this one!

Your new friend,

Jack "Doc" Kevorkian

(All organs certified human. Purchases nonrefundable. Exchanges for credit only. Void where prohibited by law.)

Visit our Web site at http://www.orgbarn.com.

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