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Off-Kilter

June 17, 1998|ROY RIVENBURG | Times Staff Writer

Bizarre Memorials Department: When we recently told you about a San Diego businessman's proposal to put urns inside the outfield wall of a new Padres baseball park, we figured it was the weirdest stadium idea around. We were wrong. At O'Rielly Stadium in Salem, Ohio, a urinal once used by John F. Kennedy is displayed as a historical monument.

www.BrandXsucks.com: This item is rated PG-13 for repeated and quasi-gratuitous use of the word "sucks." According to New York magazine, corporations are busy buying the rights to Internet Web site names that could be used to attack them. For example, Chase Manhattan Bank recently snapped up IHateChase.com, ChaseStinks.com, ChaseSucks.com and, for good measure, ChaseBlows.com. Likewise, Priceline.com, an Internet vendor of discount airline tickets, locked up PricelineSucks.com before opening for business. Naturally, some entrepreneurs are trying to beat companies to the punch in hopes of future deal-making. Marc Soto of Connecticut has secured the rights to GMsucks.com, ExxonSucks, Coca-ColaSucks and Pepsi-Sucks. And, just in case, he also owns MarcSotoSucks.com.

Wild Kingdom Update: Reader Walt Harper thinks we panicked needlessly over reports of ants eating an entire village in Brazil and bloodthirsty chickens terrorizing Topeka, Kan. His solution: Take the chickens to Brazil and let them duke it out with the killer ants.

Are you www.crazy? What if the chickens and ants joined forces?

Mach Madness: The human (and canine) guinea pigs from our Mach3 razor contest are starting to file their reviews of the product. Also, Gillette kindly sent us more razors, which we awarded to the runners-up. Here are the verdicts:

Smokey the dog, speaking through owner Richard C. Johnston of Burbank, said the razor "works really nice." Test subject Avan Kroy, sounding like Gillette's version of a Manchurian candidate, reported: "I used to be the kind of guy who'd hit the snooze button on my alarm clock two or three times before getting up in the morning. Now, I can't wait to climb out of bed so I can run right to the bathroom mirror and start shaving. My face has never looked or felt better." Another winner, Ray Moon, called Mach3 "the best shave I've ever had."

The most elaborate review came from Donn Huffsmith, who said he "studied the owner's manual all evening" before taking the chrome-accented contraption out for a test drive: "The dials of our instruments glowed brightly and showed conditions A-OK. We started out slowly and deliberately, getting the feel of the test surface and the unfamiliar guidance system. We cruised along the first straightaway and cautiously approached the first curve. The machine handled superbly in the corners so we punched it a little into the next straight. Acceleration was impressive out of the turn and the stability and handling of our test unit was phenomenal even over the rough and uneven surface." Summary: "It's the Rolls-Royce of shaving implements."

Best Supermarket Tabloid Story: "Feeling Great? You Could Have 'the Happy Flu'! Bizarre New Disease Creates an Almost Unbearable Sense of Euphoria" (Weekly World News).

Needless to say, if we fall victim to this insidious virus, it could ruin this column.

* Roy Rivenburg's e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.

Contributor: Wireless Flash News Service

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