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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

June 18, 1998

Say Cheese: "The Monica Lewinsky layout in July Vanity Fair is selling out around the country. Penthouse rejected a nude video of Monica. Thought it was fake, since she wasn't wearing a beret." (LaLa Land Letter)

Three Wishes: "A man asked a genie for three women in his bed. He got Lorena, Tonya and Hillary and was left cut off, with a broken leg, and with no health insurance." (LaLa Land Letter)

Mme. Prez: "The people who created Take Our Daughters to Work Day, the Ms. Foundation, have launched a drive to put a woman in the Oval Office by 2008. Someone ought to tell them Monica Lewinsky beat them to it." (Ira Lawson)

Tricky Ricky: "Rumor has it that Rick Schroder--of 'Silver Spoons' fame--may be replacing Jimmy Smits on 'NYPD Blue.' David Caruso's nightmare continues." (Albert Perrotta)

Prez Says: "The American Film Institute released its list of the 100 top movies of all time. President Clinton was among those polled. He said his all-time favorite was 'Casablanca,' followed by any flick that had the name 'Debbie' in its title." (Lawson)

Bucks for Yuks: Variety says Jim Carrey and Robin Williams make $25 million per movie. "So Congress shouldn't be afraid to vote themselves a pay raise. Americans have always felt that great comedians are worth every penny." (Argus Hamilton)

Sweet Revenge: Al "Chainsaw" Dunlap, king of corporate downsizers, was himself fired as CEO of Sunbeam after laying off about 6,000 people. "Only Pharoah let more people go." (Hamilton)

The Nose Goes: Paula Jones is reported to have had plastic surgery to reduce the size of her nose. "It's a good thing. Now she'll be able to turn around in her trailer." (Gayle Portnow)

Potatoe, Potahto: "When Al Gore congratulated the Bulls and said Michael Jackson was a great ballplayer, his mistake was no naive goof. It was shrewd strategy. He aims to split the idiot vote with Dan Quayle in the next election." (Hamilton)

Babygate: The first birth has been shown on the Internet. "And just out of habit, Bill Gates ordered Microsoft to film 100 births the next day, so he could corner the live-birth market." (Joshua Sostrin)

Player: The Dodgers' Raul Mondesi was arrested for drunk driving. "But then he played the greatest game against the San Diego Padres. He threw a guy out at home plate from a bar across the street." (Jay Leno)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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