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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

June 23, 1998

Fish Tales: Daniel Wyman, apparently trying for the year's Stupid Award, dropped explosives into an Illinois lake to kill fish. The wind pushed his boat over the charge as it exploded, killing him. Elsewhere, a lawyer fell overboard from a cruise ship and was last seen circling a school of frightened sharks. (LaLa Land Letter)

Foot in Mouth: The New York Post says Sen. John McCain of Arizona has apologized for making a joke about Chelsea Clinton being the child of Janet Reno and Hillary Clinton. "Washington is up in arms. The joke was distasteful, obnoxious . . . and soooo old." (Albert Perrotta)

Chuck Yuk: "We've just had the first day of summer, which makes me wonder: Does Charlton Heston sweat bullets?" (Perrotta)

Capital X: The "X-Files" movie was just released, starring David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson, who uncover a parallel world of lies and deceit in which nothing is the way it seems. "It was filmed on location, in Washington, D.C." (Argus Hamilton)

St. Viagra: A New York man has purchased $1 million worth of Viagra and plans to donate it to the poor. "It may not be as good as giving them a job," says the Wall Street financial whiz who donated the money, "but it should take their minds off being poor for a while." (Ira Lawson)

The Good Book: Catholic bishops have called for an end to the appearance of sex and violence in the movies. "That could be the end of films based on the Bible." (LaLa Land Letter)

Shoe-Fly Lie: The producers of "Riverdance" have admitted that the sounds of the dancers' taps are pre-recorded. "I knew it. Nobody could be that annoying without help." (Rudolph J. Cecera)

Sky War: Astronomers are claiming that Pluto is not really a planet. "Of course not, he's a dog." (Cecera)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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