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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

June 24, 1998

Silly: A Pennsylvania couple were amazed to find that the strange noise coming from their car engine was a cat stuck in the gas tank. "Apparently, it was a Catillac." (Rudolph J. Cecera)

Dumb: Pfizer pharmaceuticals has announced it will start advertising Viagra on TV. "Now, all they need is a good slogan. So far, the favorite suggestion is, 'Take a pill and be like Bill.' " (Argus Hamilton)

And Dumber: A panda walked into a sports bar, had a sandwich and a drink, then pulled out a gun. He shot up the mirrors, dishes, glasses, scared the customers and turned to leave.

"Where do you think you're going?" the manager yelled.

"I'm a panda. Look it up," he shouted as he went through the door.

The bartender pulled out a dictionary, found the right entry and read to the crowd: "A tree-dwelling animal with black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves." (Hamilton)

Rich: Bill Gates topped the Forbes billionaire list at $51 billion. "Looks like the Bible is wrong. It should have read, 'The geek shall inherit the earth.' " (Hamilton)

And Richer: The Chinese government has banned writings about President Clinton's sexual escapades. "But they forget that Laugh Lines is on the Internet. So, for all our readers in China: "Bill Clinton scores more than the Dodgers." (Gary Easley)

Richest: The new Steven Spielberg movie, "Saving Private Ryan," nearly got an NC-17 rating due to extreme violence. "Charlton Heston calls it the feel-good movie of the summer." (Zack Taylor)

*

The Butchered David Letterman:

Signs you're watching a bad Disney movie:

* It's two hours of accidental deaths at Disney's Animal Kingdom.

* Characters keep saying how great it will be to buy the video when it comes out.

* You find yourself thinking, "Did Minnie get implants?"

* It's advertised as being "from the makers of Euro Disney."

* Music and lyrics by Roger Clinton.

* Mickey shouts, "Oh, my God, they killed Goofy!"

* Minnie Mouse spends half the movie stranded on a deserted island with Anne Heche.

* There are five or six Dalmatians, tops.

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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