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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

June 25, 1998

Eats: In the seventh edition of Dr. Benjamin Spock's "Baby and Child Care," published posthumously, Spock suggests that parents feed their children a vegetarian diet. "Hey, he was against spanking kids; he had to come up with some way to punish them." (Gary Easley)

Take a Hike: California lawmakers want a new law that says if you are convicted of prostitution, you lose your driver's license for six months. "You know what that means: You'll have prostitutes out walking the streets." (Jay Leno)

Old Stones: The Rolling Stones have canceled another tour because of health problems. "The Rolling Stones are like your grandparents: If you want to see them, you have to go to their house." (Leno)

I'm Your Server: "Waiters and waitresses have coined the word 'Viagran.' It's what they call a customer who stiffs them for tips." (Werner Haas)

Fishy: Long Beach's Aquarium of the Pacific has opened to rave reviews. "One of the more popular attractions is the Kenneth Starrfish, which costs millions to keep alive every year and lives in a tank that leaks." (Joshua Sostrin)

Busted: Two Amish men are accused of buying drugs from a motorcycle gang. "How does this deal go down? 'Excuse me, sir. My brother and I wish to spend this bushel of wheat for your finest mind-altering hallucinogen.' " (Jerry Perisho)

Goal, Goal, Goal: After hearing that Norway defeated Brazil in the World Cup, residents of Oslo danced and hugged in the streets. "These people don't know how to celebrate. Where were the fights, the looting, the police?" (Perisho)

Wrong: "So much for Grandma's advice, when she said, 'Run to the Oval Office, sweetheart. He can't corner you there.' " (J. LaMonte)

*

Changes to Expect at Dodger Stadium

It's not over yet. Paul Ecker predicts the changes in Dodgerland may have just begun. Expect:

* Vin Scully fired; Marv Albert hired.

* The Dodger Dog replaced by the Fox Frankfurter.

* Stadium Way renamed Melrose Place.

* Gates in the parking lot kept locked until the final out of the game.

* Dodger bullpen turned into a Hooters.

* RuPaul hired to coach switch-hitters.

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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