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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

June 26, 1998

Emperor Gates: Forbes magazine named Bill Gates the world's richest person, with a net worth of $51 billion. "Just to give you an idea of how much money that is, the Clinton administration has given him 'favored nation' status." (Steve Voldseth)

Good Guy: A man accused of impersonating a congressman was sentenced to nine years in prison. "Several major errors gave him away. He was still married to his first wife, he wrote a check that didn't bounce, and he'd never been stopped for drunk driving." (Jerry Perisho)

Thou Art Busted: In Pennsylvania, two Amish men were arrested for distributing cocaine. "Police got suspicious when they noticed a horse pulling a Camaro." (Conan O'Brien)

* "Police knew something was wrong when they discovered a crack barn." (Paul Ecker)

* "It was easy for police to figure out who the criminals were. They were driving the buggy with the spoiler." (Jeff Corveau)

Pitter-Pat: The American Heart Assn. this week sent 534 rubber brains in liquid-filled jars to all members of Congress, as part of the AHA's stroke awareness campaign. "It is believed these are the most brains ever assembled in Congress. When receiving his, Newt Gingrich initially thought someone had finally answered his lost-and-found ad. Ted Kennedy looked at the fake brain mass floating in liquid and remarked at how similar it was to his own. And Trent Lott tried to open his, but it was closed too tight." (Corveau)

New Punching Bag: Dan Quayle announced he will probably run for the Republican presidential nomination in the year 2000. "His timing is perfect. The country is getting sick and tired of Viagra jokes." (Argus Hamilton)

Voyager Vogue: "Sailors have long complained that the Navy's uniforms are decades out-of-date, making it impossible to find a matching purse and pumps." (Craig Kilborn)

Road Ragers: Researchers say an infection could be responsible for Tourette's syndrome, a disease causing involuntary outbursts of noise and swearing. "Truck drivers appear to be abnormally susceptible to the infection." (Johnny Robish)

Hot Stuff: Smoky fires in Florida are causing big changes in that popular summer tourist area. "In fact Disney World has renamed the Seven Dwarves: Sooty, Wheezy, Smelly, Smudgey, Blazey, Scorchy and Second-Degree Bernie." (Gil Christner)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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