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LAUGH LINES : Punch Lines

June 28, 1998

Java Junkies: "The newly elected president of Colombia, Andres Pastrana, promised that the most addictive drug exported from his country to the United States will be coffee." (Gary Easley)

Wedded Binkies: Seventeen-year-old Macaulay Culkin married Rachel Miner, who is the same age. "The couple has registered with Toys 'R' Us, Chuck E. Cheese's and Gymboree. They found a guy outside a 7-Eleven store to score the booze for their lavish wedding reception." (Chris Pina)

People's Court: Three out of four adults can't name either of the two female Supreme Court Justices (Sandra Day O'Connor and Ruth Bader Ginsburg). "You mean 'Judge Judy' isn't on the Supreme Court"? (Daily Scoop)

Rocky Mountain High: Investigators are moving closer to figuring out why John Denver's plane crashed. "But they still can't figure out how sunshine on your shoulder would make you high." (Daily Scoop)

Mail Man: Unabomber Ted Kaczynski has submitted a handwritten pitch for a book deal to Simon & Schuster. "That's one piece of mail you don't want to open. Publishers are already calling it explosive." (Pina)

Primates Take Hollywood: It's been reported that Sylvester Stallone is considering doing "Rambo IV." "Producers say if they can't get Stallone, they're going to use Koko, the sign-language-speaking gorilla." (Conan O'Brien)

Agrarian Scandals: Two Amish men have been accused of distributing cocaine. Authorities suspected them of drug involvement by their conspicuous spending. "They hired a contractor to build their barn." (Alex Kaseberg

Talk Show Wars: According to the Great Falls Tribune, David Letterman is negotiating to buy a 10,000-acre ranch in northern Montana. "NBC immediately issued a statement confirming that Jay Leno is buying Utah." (Bob Mills)

A Bumped Connection: Rumors are that CompUSA may not purchase Computer City from the company that owns Radio Shack after all. "Apparently, negotiations between the two companies broke down when CompUSA refused to give Radio Shack its home phone number." (Steve Voldseth)

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SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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