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Punch Lines

March 09, 1998

Chilling Testimony: A Japanese company has come up with a refrigerator that talks. "Today, Kenneth Starr issued it a subpoena." (Steve Voldseth)

Second Coming?: The leader of God's Salvation Church in Garland, Texas, told followers that God will be descending from heaven March 31. "When asked why God is returning now, the leader said, 'He's coming for the finale of 'Seinfeld.' " (Premiere Radio)

Luxury Car: Rolls-Royce has a new car selling for $216,000. "It's so fancy that the cup holder is a guy named Charles." (Jay Leno)

Cannibal Update: Mike Tyson filed suit for fraud and theft against boxing promoter Don King. "King is delighted. He sold the pay-per-view rights to Court TV for $100 million." (Argus Hamilton)

Immaculate Conception?: "The next installment of Fox TV's 'Magic's Greatest Secrets Finally Revealed' will expose such mysteries as how to saw a person in half, how to make an elephant disappear and--for the grand finale--how Jodie Foster got pregnant." (Martin Miller)

A Time to Die: The guests at Time magazine's 75th anniversary party included O.J. Simpson and Jack Kevorkian. "O.J. and Kevorkian sat in the back all night and talked shop." (David Letterman)

Water, Water Everywhere: Scientists may have found water on the moon. "They immediately blamed El Nin~o." (Paul Ecker)

Fashion Police: Donald Andrews, dubbed "the lipstick bandit" for robbing Detroit banks in drag, was sentenced to three years in prison. "He was found guilty of bank robbery, carrying a concealed weapon and wearing shoes that didn't match his purse." (Premiere Radio)

Rap Sheet: Rap star C-Bo was arrested last week after police argued that the lyrics on his new CD constitute a "criminal activity." "Why can't they do that for Barry Manilow?" (Voldseth)

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The Stunt Double Top 10:

Comedy writer Steve Voldseth's list of least-used words in the Bible . . .

10. Botta-bing botta-boom!

9. Supersize me

7. Paparazzi

6. Nasdaq

4. Polyunsaturated

3. Longtime companion

2. Curly fries

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* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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