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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

March 12, 1998

Ice Floe Cash Flow: The latest box office receipts show that "Titanic" has made all the money that Bill Gates hasn't. "There is, simply speaking, no more money." (Michael Feldman)

Nursery Tales: First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton recently visited a Maryland day-care center and read stories to the children. "She told them the tale of the three little pigs and the vast right-wing conspiracy." (Conan O' Brien)

Beauty Pageant: The first Miss Albania since 1995 was crowned Monday night. "In the talent competition, she made a complete seven-course meal from a kielbasa sausage, then picked a sniper out of a nearby tree." (Jerry Perisho)

That Sinking Feeling: In the Midwest, winter storms prevented audiences from seeing the movie "Titanic." "At one ice-damaged multiplex, people in the balcony couldn't get to the exits and had to go down with the theater." (Steve Voldseth)

Spice Cadets: Passengers on a recent flight with the band Oasis complained that band members were smoking and swearing, and unruly. "Meanwhile, passengers on a recent flight with the Spice Girls complained that they were on a recent flight with the Spice Girls." (O'Brien)

Busy Signal: The man who helped develop the 9-1-1 emergency response system has died. "His close friend, the inventor of star 69, did not return calls." (Mark Efman)

IQ Study: A report says student IQs are higher than ever. Most teens average between 110 and 130. "And after they stop their cars, they go into school." (Alan Ray)

Out of the Gates: Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates testified before the Senate recently, insisting that Microsoft is not a monopoly. "He then hopped into a giant shoe and drove to his red hotel on Baltic Avenue." ("Saturday Night Live")

Ahead of His Time: Former U.S. Sen. Bob Packwood says he's thinking about running for public office again. "Poor Bob quit before groping an intern enhanced a politician's popularity." (Alex Kaseberg)

Reading Material: The San Francisco school board is considering a proposal to require 70% of classroom reading materials be books by "authors of color." "That would exclude Dickens, Shakespeare, Melville and Chaucer. But Dennis Rodman's 'Bad as I Wanna Be' makes the list." (Perisho)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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