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Laugh Lines

Off-Kilter

March 12, 1998|ROY RIVENBURG | Times Staff Writer

Scuba Couture: Wetsuits--they're not just for scuba diving anymore. In San Diego, custom tailor Yvonne Cruz has created neoprene fashions in the shape of a tuxedo (for a hard-core surfer marrying a white-bikini-clad bride), as well as wetsuits for dogs, torpedoes and a 9-month-old baby.

No, the animals and infant didn't use the outfits for deep-sea diving. The dogs were hunting hounds running in and out of cold lakes, and the baby wore the suit for water play. As for the torpedo wetsuit, it was ordered by the Navy for reasons that remain a mystery.

Cruz, whose Surf 'n Sea shop has been in business since 1954, also once made a 25-foot-long anaconda from neoprene for the Natural History Museum in Balboa Park.

Bizarre Statistic of the Day: More than 100 tourists have suffered heart attacks or fainted while viewing Michelangelo's David in Florence, Italy. Maybe they were shocked that the statue wasn't wearing a custom wetsuit?

Good News / Bad News for Animals: A recent survey by the American Animal Hospital Assn. revealed that 18% of Americans are including their favorite pet in their wills. But some of the creatures might not live to collect any inheritance. A West Virginia bill to legalize the eating of road kill has just been signed into law.

It-Doesn't-Add-Up Department: A recent survey cited by Chicago Sun-Times columnist Zay N. Smith reveals--and please bear with us to get to the punch line--that 89% of Americans are happy with the Postal Service; 85%, with the Park Service; 79%, with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention; 76%, with the Department of Defense; 75%, with the FDA (we now enter the acronym portion of the survey); 73%, with NASA; 70%, with the FAA; 69%, with the EPA; 68%, with the USDA; 67%, with the FBI; 62%, with the Social Security Administration; 61%, with the Education Department; 59%, with Veterans Affairs; 58%, with the Commerce Department; 56%, with the Justice Department; 53%, with the FTC; 51%, with Housing and Urban Development; and 51%, with the CIA. However, only 29% are pleased with the federal government as a whole, says Smith, "which means there must be some other agency at about 1% if this is to balance out, and no, it isn't the IRS, which is at 38%, so we will have to keep looking."

The Monkey's Paw: We are beginning to think that Drew Barrymore's chest has its own publicist. The first time we heard more than we wanted to about it was after she flashed David Letterman on the air. Now, this week's Globe tabloid features a smiling photo of Barrymore with a monkey groping her (fully clothed, at least) left breast.

Classified Ad of the Day: Listed in the "For Sale" section of the Yale Daily News classified section: "Part-time Nanny." Maybe Britain doesn't want Louise Woodward back after all.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: "17 Giraffes Have Heads Torn Off When Zoo Truck Passes Under Low Bridge" (Weekly World News)

* Roy Rivenburg can be reached by e-mail at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.

Contributors: Tanya Loh, Wireless Flash News Service, Chicago Sun-Times

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