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LAUGH LINES

March 15, 1998

Mystery Death: James McDougal, a key Whitewater witness, died of a heart attack last weekend while in prison. "To remove any suspicion of foul play, President Clinton has hired a team of investigators to review the death: the Boulder, Colo., police department." (Jay Leno)

Rocket Girls: "Lt. Col. Eileen Collins, the first woman to command a space shuttle, will be following in the footsteps of Sally Ride, Christa McCauliffe and trailblazing housewife Alice Kramden, who was sent to the moon by her husband, Ralph, in the 1950s." ("Saturday Night Live")

It's Not a Tumor: In Hungary, a man had a tumor removed from his stomach that weighed 85 pounds. "Doctors say the man is fine and the tumor is training to skate against Tara Lipinski." (Conan O'Brien)

Pothole: A Virginia state trooper pulled over a van last week and discovered 258 pounds of marijuana in the passenger seat. "The trooper immediately cited the marijuana for not wearing a seat belt." (Premiere Radio)

Heavy Drinkers: According to People magazine, the McCaughey septuplets go through 750 bottles a week. "Which means they're tied with Boris Yeltsin." (O'Brien)

Commander-in-Briefs: Bill Clinton told Newsweek he was sexually harassed when a woman came up to him at his 30th high school reunion and started screaming, demanding to know why he never had sex with her. "Which just confirms what men have known for years. Never take your wife to a class reunion." (Steve Voldseth)

Royal Reductions: The British monarchy is trying to cut costs. For example, the queen wants to slash the use of royal aircraft and cars. "Another expense headed out the door: those handy but wasteful disposable jewel-encrusted tiaras." (Mark Wheeler)

The Joy of Candy: Scientists say women can be sexually aroused just by the smell of Good & Plenty candies. "Actually, you know who discovered this? Woody Allen." (Leno)

Candy II: Other arousing aromas include cucumbers, pumpkin pie--"and that faint whiff of burning plastic you smell when a credit card is being processed." (Bob Mills)

Legal Etiquette: Martha Stewart is suing the National Enquirer for $10 million for saying that she is mentally ill. "Stewart denied the accusation, then spent the next 15 hours making the perfect sandwich." ("SNL")

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