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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

March 20, 1998

And Tommy Lee Sex Videos on the Scoreboard?: The Pittsburgh Pirates want to build the nation's "most intimate" ballpark. "How? They're replacing bleacher seats with love seats, converting the on-deck circle to a Jacuzzi and adding mirrored ceilings to the dugout." (Daily Scoop)

IQ Test: A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. "Here's how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you." (Jay Leno)

Oscar Countdown: Civilians who line up before the Academy Awards must follow new rules: No overnight camping, no saving seats, no booze . . . "and no fly-casting for Burt Reynolds' toupee." (Bob Molinaro)

Free Willey: The White House is doing all it can to damage the credibility of Kathleen Willey. "Now they're spreading the rumor she didn't like 'Titanic.' " (Leno)

Doom Doc: Jack Kevorkian has assisted in his 100th suicide. "What do you give as a gift for such a milestone? A matching set of 'he's dead / she's dead' towels?" (Molinaro)

Burger Wars: Burger King has a new slogan, "It just tastes better." "Rejected slogans include, 'Our chickens don't have fingers' and 'Our speaker boxes have deeper voices.' " (Kenny Noble Cortes)

China Dolls: Clinton will be visiting a radically changing China in June. College life there is said to be like U.S. campuses in the 1960s. "Unfortunately, the last thing a nation with 2 billion people needs is a Free Love movement." (Argus Hamilton)

Oscar II: Al Gore travels to Los Angeles this weekend. "Since he's in town, the Academy Awards has called for his help. It seems someone stole the giant, gold-painted wooden Oscar and they asked him to fill in." (Bill Williams)

Exorcist '98: In Connecticut, a former priest performed an exorcism on a 10-year-old boy. "And right after the devil was expelled, she went back to co-hosting her show with Regis." (Conan O'Brien)

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The Iceberg-Damaged David Letterman:

Top 10 signs you're in love with Leonardo DiCaprio . . .

10. You refer to your Geo Metro as "Geonardo DiMetrio."

7. You adore the cute way he says, "Who are you and what are you doing in my apartment?"

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* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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