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HUMOROPATHIC THERAPY

Men Have Their Reasons for Watching the Oscars

March 23, 1998|JIM SHEA | Shea is a columnist at the Hartford Courant

Men and women have different perspectives on the Academy Awards.

Women watch for the glitz, the glamour, the gowns, the entertainment, the winners and losers, the drama.

Men watch for just two reasons:

Cleavage.

Men see the Academy Awards as the Super Bowl, the Wrestlemania, the Powerball jackpot of cleavage.

Of course, if a woman questions a man about this, he will lie.

Usually he will say he is watching because he has a deep, abiding interest in who wins the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award.

While men don't generally care about the Academy Awards, they do care--sometimes passionately--about who wins in certain categories.

For example:

Who do men favor for best supporting actress?

Kim Basinger.

Why?

Two reasons.

Who do men favor for best supporting actor?

Burt Reynolds.

Why?

Because if Burt wins, they will show additional clips from "Boogie Nights." And if they show additional clips from "Boogie Nights," there is a good possibility of catching some bonus you know what.

Another thing men tend to do is tune into the Academy Awards early.

The attraction?

The full-contact decolletage.

Over the past several years, cleavage has become an all-out--at least in some cases--celebrity competition. And the best time to view the--I guess you would call them--presenters is as they exit their limos and participate in the Academy Awards variation of a perp walk--the perk walk.

Anyway.

Perhaps the time has come to make this annual bosom bake-off an official part of the ceremonies.

It would be great television:

Excited winners.

Rambling speeches.

A cute little statuette called "The Chasm."

As an experiment, I propose readers watching this year's show pencil in their favorites in the following categories:

Best cleavage.

Best supported cleavage.

Best unsupported cleavage.

Foreign cleavage.

Original cleavage.

Adapted cleavage (this could go here or be included in the science and technology segment).

Live-action cleavage.

Animated cleavage (most likely go to a Fran Drescher type).

Short subjects

Set decoration (include such variables as jewelry and tattoos).

Special effects (think in terms of stunt cleavage).

Lifetime cleavage (awarded to someone who has contributed a distinguished body of cleavage over the years. Have to figure Liz Taylor would be a sentimental favorite here).

And the envelope, please.

*

* Shea is a columnist at the Hartford Courant. To reach him write to Jim Shea, Hartford Courant, 285 Broad St., Hartford, CT 06115.

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