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LAUGH LINES

Punch Lines

March 29, 1998

Hair-Raising Scheme: A company says it will launch strands of your hair into space for $50, in the hope that space aliens will find the hair generations later and use the DNA to re-create you. "Those aliens will be in for a shock when they analyze Sam Donaldson's DNA and find out he's 50% rayon and 50% polyester." (Bill Williams)

Legal Maneuver: Maine lawmakers passed a package to upgrade what they describe as dreadful and deplorable conditions at Maine's capitol complex. "To the surprise of Maine lawmakers, the package had already been passed. It's called term limits." (Trace Keasler)

Penalty Call: The NFL says it will punish any player who commits a crime, uses a weapon or assaults a woman. "If a player feels compelled to engage in such behavior, the league says, he can run for office like everybody else." (Argus Hamilton)

Late Oscar Joke: "The Academy Awards ran so late that producers had to cut the segment where Janet Reno performed her one-handed push-ups." (Mark Efman)

Downsizing: Xerox might lay off 10,000 workers. "Only one pink slip says, 'You're fired.' The rest say, 'Ditto.' " (Jerry Perisho)

The Big Lewinsky: "A new poll says 56% of Americans would rather listen to Ringo Starr than Kenneth Starr." (Scottie Baran)

Dodger Blues: The Dodgers are now owned by Rupert Murdoch, who also owns Fox Television. "Now instead of being demoted to the minors, players will be forced to appear on an episode of 'Melrose Place.' " (Alex Kaseberg)

Dodgers II: "Murdoch also plans to introduce the seventh-inning 'Booty Call.' " (Craig Kilborn)

Animal Rites: British au pair Louise Woodward has been turned down in her application to work at a Massachusetts dog pound. "Apparently the pound prefers to put its dogs down with anesthesia instead of just shaking them violently until they die." (Paul Steinberg)

Turbulence Ahead: In the wake of Pan Am's recent filing for bankruptcy, the FAA has issued warning signs that your airline is about to go belly-up. One tip-off: The emergency oxygen mask says 'Take a whiff, pass it around.' " (Bob Mills)

Dream Team: O.J. Simpson is taking a law-school correspondence course. "Armed with his new knowledge of the law, he is reportedly furious that he was acquitted." ("Saturday Night Live")

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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