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Finally, a Purpose for Street Mimes


Cruel and Unusual Punishment Department: People who jaywalk in Bogota, Colombia, are being stopped and publicly ridiculed by white-faced mimes, according to the Chicago Sun-Times.

Animals Launch Coup d'Etat: We don't want anyone to become unduly frightened, but we're all about to die! In September, we reported that the worldwide animal conspiracy to overthrow the human race seemed to be collapsing amid interspecies squabbling.

As usual, we were wrong. In recent weeks, an alarming upsurge in anti-human violence has been recorded across the nation. For example, in early October, a Northern California man who stepped out of his pickup to open a gate was killed when his canine passenger threw the truck into gear and ran him down, according to the San Francisco Chronicle.

Shortly after that, the New York Post revealed that "a frisky French poodle accidentally blew away his owner with a .45-caliber pistol." The victim, an ex-Marine, was demonstrating handgun safety to his mother when the dog leaped into his lap and caused the revolver to fire. Reader James F. Glass, who sent us the article, said the story proves that "guns don't kill people, poodles kill people."

Unfortunately, those incidents weren't isolated:

* Southern California narrowly escaped disaster when 10 tons of live Maine lobsters landed at Los Angeles International Airport on Oct. 9. Only the efforts of some quick-thinking chefs saved the day. The cooks set up a Redondo Beach Lobster Festival to quash the invasion.

* Meanwhile, Michigan residents are under siege by flying squirrels. Police officer Derek Sova told us about an attack that occurred in Whitehall, where a baby-sitter found one of the furry creatures in a kitchen. She then went to the basement to do some laundry, only to discover two more squirrels in the dryer. Fleeing upstairs to find clothes for the children she was watching, she pulled open a dresser drawer and found a squirrel in there too. She then headed for the front door, but it was blocked by additional squirrels. When police arrived, the baby-sitter and kids were barricaded inside a car, Sova said.

* Last but not least, reader Judy Rehrig of Allentown, Pa., called our attention to the mysterious disappearance of 2,000 homing pigeons during a series of bird races in Pennsylvania. No doubt the winged rebels are distributing the times and coordinates for the worldwide animal uprising.

And, frankly, we think the rhetoric of the animal-rights movement has helped incite this revolt. For instance, Marilyne Mason, a lawyer who sues on behalf of pets, recently said, "There has been a gradual procession: equal rights for African Americans, then women's rights and gay rights. I think the next phase has to be animals."

Sounds like treason to us. We think Mason and her ilk should be subjected to public ridicule by white-faced Colombian mimes.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: "Saddam Hussein Orders Scientists to Build Robot Double of His Mom! $20-Million Android Will Walk, Talk and Even Serve Tea!" (Weekly World News)

Roy Rivenburg's e-mail address is Unpaid informants: PR Newswire, Associated Press, Washington Post, Allentown Morning Call

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