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Punch Lines

November 04, 1998

Say Again: The elections are finally over. "Now the public can get back to enjoying TV commercials that are straightforward, factual and sincere." (La Monte Laments)

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Top Pick: According to a new telephone survey, 82% of Americans say that Sen. John Glenn is not too old to fly in space, while 15% say he is too old. "And the remaining 3% say they don't care as long as he isn't driving slowly down the middle of the road in front of them." (Alex Kaseberg)

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Tempted: "Did you see that TV movie on 'The Temptations'? I was confused. I thought it was going to be a story about White House interns." (Jerry Perisho)

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Jefferson in Paris: New DNA tests have backed up evidence that Thomas Jefferson had an affair with his slave Sally Hemings. "Apparently there was a stain on a dress Hemings bought at the 'Ye Olde Gap.' " (Kaseberg)

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Hip-Chop: Medical researchers have developed a fast-acting remedy for severe bleeding from stab wounds. "It's already been endorsed by four out of five rappers who use violence." (Buzz Report)

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Victoria's Glamour: Victoria's Secret now has a $5-million push-up bra encrusted with diamonds. "This being an election year, they don't want to take sides. See, the cleavage will attract the Democrats, and the diamonds will attract the Republicans." (Jay Leno)

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Yule Log: Toys "R" Us now conducts a gift registry for children. "Great idea! That way Santa can avoid giving some little monster duplicate presents, like two lumps of coal." (Laments)

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Good News: The city of L.A. only issued 39 gun permits this year. "Of course if it weren't for Charlton Heston, there would only have been nine." (Rudolph J. Cecera)

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Bill Knows Best: President Clinton has settled quarrels in Northern Ireland and the Mideast recently. "And why not? He knows better than anyone that you don't have to love each other to live together in peace." (Argus Hamilton)

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Big Bully: NBA player Latrell Sprewell--accused of choking his coach--is suing his agent. "Do you get the feeling Latrell never got a good grade at 'playing well with others' as a child?" (Kaseberg)

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Cat Fight: "The World Boxing Council voted to consider recognizing women's boxing, to study rules and regulations, and vote to either ban or allow hair pulling." (Earl Hofmann)

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The Day of Lockout: "Sunday was Dia de los Muertos [Day of the Dead]. And if you're an NBA fan, consider yourself part of the celebration." (Kenny Noble Cortes)

SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax at (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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