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Read This Column With Your Eyes


Moronic Lyrics (Reprise): It's time for another chapter of "When Bad Lyrics Happen to Good Songs," wherein we point out stupid words to otherwise decent rock tunes. Today's winners:

* Melissa Etheridge's "Chrome Plated Heart," for the redundantly repetitious line, "And the night is black, as black as night." This jewel was submitted by David James of Long Beach, Long Beach's David James.

* In a similar vein, reader Mike Kvammen of South Pasadena nominated George Thorogood's "I Drink Alone," for the verse: "I drink alone, with nobody else. You know when I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself." Apparently, Thorogood also writes his lyrics alone, with no editors.

* Next up is No Doubt's "Just a Girl," which was selected by April Abercrombie of Loma Linda for its anatomical expertise: "I'm just a girl, guess I'm some kind of freak, 'cause they all sit and stare with their eyes." As opposed to staring with their elbows?

* Finally, Andrew M. Duncan submitted the Doors' "L.A. Woman," for this grammatical innovation: "I see your hair is burning, hills are filled with fire. If they say I never loved you, you know they are a liar."

Psychic News Department: As part of our continuing effort to bring you tomorrow's news today, we sent our time-traveling journalist several days into the future aboard Caltech's experimental time machine. He returned with this report: "In the wake of DNA tests indicating that Thomas Jefferson fathered a child with one of his slaves, the House Judiciary Committee has opened posthumous impeachment hearings on the matter. Democrats defended the dead president, but Rep. Jim Morrison (R-France) declared, 'If they say he never loved her, you know they are a liar.' "

Statistic of the Day: Beheadings have fallen 79% this year in Saudi Arabia, according to the Chicago Sun-Times, which is where we usually turn for our decapitation statistics.

Bureau of Weird Matrimony: Susie and Dave Searcy have figured out an effective way to save money on wedding receptions. Of the 1,900 guests at their Halloween nuptials, 1,800 were dead. The bride and groom, who are both morticians, got hitched at an Anaheim mausoleum that houses 1,800 crypts.

According to the Orange County Register, the couple met in embalming school.

For those of you who insist on live wedding guests, however, we recommend the U.S. Army's official cookbook, which contains 1,300 recipes designed to serve 100 or more people.

The "Armed Forces Recipe Service and Index of Recipes" is available for $127 by calling (800) 553-6847 or online at

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: "Abe Lincoln Was the Father of Professional Wrestling! He Wore Outrageous Costumes and Trapped Opponents in the Lincoln Leglock!" (Weekly World News)

We are so disillusioned. First Jefferson, now this.

Roy Rivenburg's e-mail address is Unpaid Informants: Steven Lubet,, John Haytol, Lori Basheda, Wireless Flash News Service

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