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Laugh Lines

November 05, 1998

Shaker Heights: Several communities are struggling to break away from Los Angeles and become separate cities. "Maybe they better wait until the next major temblor hits Southern California. They may find everything taken care of without litigation." (LaMonte Laments)

Unfriendly Skies: One airline is planning to put plexiglass cutouts in front of the luggage X-ray machines to make sure luggage isn't too big to fit in the overhead bin. "This is nothing new, they've been using the same gadget to make sure our meals aren't too big." (Andrew Wisot)

In Medical News: British doctors say that women who get a transplanted liver from a man are more likely to reject it than if it came from a woman. "Even if they don't reject it, doctors say, there's a 50-50 chance the next morning the male liver won't even be there." (Jay Leno)

Tickle-Me Billy: The new toys called Furbies, which "learn" to talk, are really popular. "They're a lot like Clinton: Kind of lovable, and if you keep talking to them, they'll eventually stop speaking gobbledygook and express themselves in clear English." (Joshua Sostrin)

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The Essential David Letterman:

Top 10 Ways to Get a Dumb Guy's Vote

10. Campaign outside the Jerry Springer studio.

9. Wear a fake beard and claim you're "the dude on the penny."

8. Promise to repeal all those invasive laws against eating paint.

7. Legally change name to "Salty Snacks"--dumb guys love salty snacks.

6. Tell him you don't have time to explain, but if you're elected, he gets to have sex with Meg Ryan.

5. Convince him the stuff you did with Monica was not really sex.

4. Promise to make tying your shoelaces 25% easier.

3. Just say, "I'm counting on your support, Mr. Letterman."

2. Offer him a job in your administration as secretary of beer.

1. Your slogan: "Me Am Good."

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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