Best E-Mail of the Week: Several versions of this are making the rounds: "Secret Prank Alert: When John Glenn returns from space, everybody dress in ape suits. Forward this message to everyone on Earth or it won't work. Also, we need to bury the Statue of Liberty up to its head."
Bad Hair Days Ahead: We are extremely alarmed that Gray Davis' hair has been elected governor of California. In recent days, we have received reports that his mane is "orange on top" and "definitely a toupee." So far, we can't confirm either claim, but we are increasingly convinced that whatever it is that rests on Davis' dome is not of this world.
We're also worried about the governor-elect's victory speech, in which he promised to work for "all the people in this state, not just the people who voted for me."
Most analysts assumed Davis was reaching out to Republicans, but we immediately recalled an August debate in which he said: "I lost my father in '96, and we lost my mother-in-law last summer. But I want to make this a better state for them."
A better state for the dead? With what, mandatory cup holders for all coffins? Or "Seance ID" machines that allow the deceased to see the name of whoever is calling them from beyond the grave?
We think there are better uses for our tax money, such as stealing a page from Minnesota's new governor, former professional wrestler Jesse "The Body" Ventura, and converting the state Capitol into a giant sports arena in which steroid-filled, costumed legislators wrestle over budget bills with Gray "The Helmet-Hair" Davis.
Pet Prognostication: We think a dog's life is pretty predictable--sleep, eat, sleep some more, conduct fire hydrant research, chew apart something valuable, eat again, sue the neighbor's cat--but that hasn't stopped the burgeoning new field of canine fortunetelling. For example, a Reseda palm reader now claims she can predict a dog's future by "paw reading."
And the Wall Street Journal reports that companies in Los Angeles and Oklahoma City are distributing dog fortune cookies, which contain such messages as: "You can lead a master to the door but you can't take him for a walk," "Always think of more ways to skin a cat," "You will soon have an onset of drool" and "You'll never meet a fire hydrant you won't like."
Rorschach Icons: On the heels of a cinnamon bun that bore an uncanny resemblance to Mother Teresa, now there's the Jesus Bandage. According to the online magazine Ship of Fools (http://www.ship-of-fools.com), a New Jersey man is selling postcards depicting a bandage worn on the scraped knee of his landlord's niece shortly after she received her first Communion. When the bandage was removed, the bloodstain "clearly showed the image of Jesus Christ."
Best Supermarket Tabloid Story: A British magazine called the Week, quoting an unnamed tabloid, claims that a Brazilian fisherman whose line got caught in a beehive was chased by the insects along the banks of the Amazon until "he finally jumped into the water and was eaten by piranhas."
Roy Rivenburg's e-mail address is firstname.lastname@example.org. Unpaid informants: Gerard Villanueva, Cheryl Smith, Faye Fiore, Martin Miller, Wireless Flash News Service, John Wilcock.