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Laugh Lines

November 09, 1998

Way Up in Space: Jay Leno interviewed the orbiting astronaut Sen. John Glenn last week. "John cracked a few jokes. But his humor went waaaaay over our head." (Premiere Radio)

Street Beat: A new study claims that Southern California roads are in the worst condition in the nation. "In fact, poor roads in Los Angeles have resulted in hundreds of accidents, millions in car repairs and, most disturbing of all, countless tons of misapplied makeup." (Joshua Sostrin)

Back in the Saddle: Tommy Lee Jones is recovering after falling off his horse. "Tommy will be back to work today on his next movie--'Men in Black and Blue.' " (Premiere)

Animal House: The Fox Network is airing a show called "When Good Pets Go Bad." "In fact, the next night they have another special called 'When Fox Executives Run Out of Ideas.' " (Jay Leno)

Health Watch: In the Journal of the American Medical Assn. recently, there was an editorial that said the medical industry must take responsibility for its mistakes. "I'm actually kind of nervous about some of the solutions. One suggestion is for doctors to brush up on their techniques by playing the game 'Operation.' " (Andrew Wisot)

Creep Show: Plans are in the works for a 25th anniversary update of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre." Producers say it will be a hipper, more contemporary version. "Instead of being killed by a chain saw, the victims will be forced to become members of a test audience for new sitcoms." (Zack Taylor)

*

The Essential David Letterman:

Top 10 Things on Chuck Schumer's to-do list (after the congressman was elected senator from New York)

10. Return keg from the victory party.

9. Figure out what the hell a senator actually does.

8. Learn how to say "Pataki" without giggling.

7. Figure out how the heck I'm going to pull off that 100% tax cut I promised.

6. Thank Dave Letterman for not endorsing me.

5. Create new state motto, "We're Schumer-riffic!"

4. Watch that "How a Bill Becomes Law" cartoon one more time.

3. Endorse new Starbucks beverage line, the "Chuck-accino."

2. Tell Steinbrenner if he talks about moving the Yankees to Jersey one more time, I'm going to hunt him down like a dog and beat him with a rake.

1. Change name to Chucky "The Body" Ventura.

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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