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Laugh Lines

November 26, 1998

Happy Thanksgiving: "We give thanks for our families, our jobs and our never-ending payroll deductions that go gobble, gobble, gobble." (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Peekaboo!: Will Smith and Gene Hackman are starring in a new political thriller, "Enemy of the State," about the evils of Big Brother watching us through a vast network of surveillance. "Ken Starr and Linda Tripp are calling it the 'feel-good movie of the year.' " (Joshua Sostrin)

From the Sports Desk: Badminton world doubles champion Sigit Budiarto has been suspended for one year for using anabolic steroids. "Officials knew there was trouble when Budiarto's serves reached the blazing speed of 12 mph and after each win he'd jump over the net." (Jerry Perisho)

How Sweet It Isn't: An Israeli researcher who has shown that the consumption of sugar in mice can cause premature aging will study the effect of sugar on humans. The researcher "will determine how many bowls of Oreo cookies cereal a 7-year-old has to consume before he is no longer carded while buying liquor at a 7-Eleven." (Sostrin)

How Now, Mighty Dow?: The Dow reached a new high after dropping precipitously over the last few months. "You know what the stock market has in common with Yeltsin's government? They're both preoccupied with a weak bear that pops up once in a while before disappearing again." (Sostrin)

What, Again?!!: According to the tabloids, O.J. Simpson is getting married to a 23-year-old waitress. "He says he will love, honor and obey his new wife and, if necessary, continue the search for her real killer." (Steve Voldseth)

Tuned Out: In Hamburg, Germany, authorities discovered the body of a man, five years after he died, still sitting in front of the TV set. "Actually, this happens more often than you think. In fact, they even have a medical name for these people. I believe they're called 'husbands.' " (Voldseth)

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