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Laugh Lines

November 30, 1998

"Star" Struck: According to Variety, two-thirds of the audience at a screening of "The Siege" in Los Angeles walked out after seeing the trailer for the new "Star Wars" film. "Ushers said they hadn't seen anything like that since 'The Avengers' came out." (Andrew Wisot)

Speaking of Movies: We now have animated films about ants and bugs, and DreamWorks is about to release "Prince of Egypt," about a plague of insects. "Amazing. Who could have predicted that in 1998, Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio would get second billing to the Orkin Man?" (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Holiday Woes: Storekeepers in Great Britain are having a hard time finding fat men to play Santa for the holidays. "That's because getting fat in England requires eating the food." (Premiere Radio)

Holiday Woes, Part II: Toys R Us has lost $47 million in the third quarter. "In fact, I believe they're changing the name of the company to 'God Help Us.' " (Wisot)

Expanding: The Banana Republic chain is going to open stores catering to large-sized people. "I hear they're calling it 'Banana Split Republic.' " (Jay Leno)

Contracting: Newt Gingrich reportedly has told friends that he just wants to go someplace where no one will bother him and he can be alone. "So I think he's going to be hosting 'Good Morning America.' " (Leno)

Speaking of Newt: "At the peak of Gingrich's popularity, friends considered lobbying to have his head sculpted on Mt. Rushmore but decided the mountain wasn't big enough." (Stan Kaplan)

Situation Vacant: An upcoming hip-hop show at the Los Angeles Sports Arena will be dedicated to slain rappers Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G. "Applications for security positions are still available." (Alex Kaseberg)

And Speaking of Rappers: After reading comments published in a magazine, rap artist Puff Daddy's producer "D-Dot" was arrested for beating up the magazine's editor. " 'D-Dot' pleaded innocent, saying, 'Hey, c'mon, we weren't beating him up. We were just remixing his face.' " (Conan O'Brien)

A Big Heist: A department store in Minnesota is trying to catch a woman who has stolen more than $1,000 dollars worth of size 44-D bras. "Police are looking for the woman, as is every other guy in town." (O'Brien)

How the Rest Rest: According to a new survey, 33% of people sleep on their right side, 26% sleep on their left side. "The remainder don't know because, well, they are sleeping at the time." (Premiere)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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