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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

October 02, 1998

Sticky Buns: The makers of Log Cabin syrup are donating money to help refurbish a park in Tennessee. "The park's restrooms will now give patrons the choice of regular and maple-scented toilet paper." (David Christensen)

Finial Discoveries: It was 485 years ago this week that famed explorer Vasco Nun~ez de Balboa discovered the Pacific Ocean after a grueling journey that took 25 days. "And you thought it took the 'Baywatch' lifeguards a long time to get there." (Steve Voldseth)

Still Stories: Britain's National Health Service has banned its doctors from prescribing Viagra until a method is devised to single out the most deserving patients. "Apparently, the British are guaranteed a stiff upper lip and that's about it." (Bob Mills)

Read My Lips: Bill Clinton and Paula Jones may be close to settling her lawsuit. "All she wanted was an apology. Now all she wants is the money. I guess her demands are as consistent as the nose on her face." (Premiere Radio)

The Force: George Lucas has announced the name of his new "Star Wars" movie. It's called "Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace." "Among the titles rejected: 'Oh Those Wacky Wookies,' 'Saving Private Skywalker' and, of course, 'Thanks for Handing Over Your Cash.' " (Premiere)

A Side View: Two new congressional reports conclude there is fraud at the Pentagon. "Said a Pentagon spokesman, 'There are five sides to every story.' " (Premiere)

Those Happy Skies: Passengers on international flights will now be required to provide the name of a next of kin under the new aviation security improvement act. "Of course, those passengers who decide to skip the in-flight meals are exempt." (Mills)

Lotto Pool: This year, for the fifth time in a row, Bill Gates topped Forbes magazine's list of the richest people in America. "To give you an idea of how rich Gates is, the second guy on the list was the guy who cleans Gates' pool." (Conan O'Brien)

Soap Dish: NBC has signed a deal to keep its top-rated daytime drama, "Days of Our Lives," on the network through 2004. The show debuted in the '60s. "Network executives are thinking of changing its name to "Decades of Our Lives." (Paul Ecker)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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