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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

October 13, 1998

Rock the Boat: Christopher Columbus discovered the Americas more than 500 years ago this week. "He thought he discovered India. Historians blame his error on the El Nino of 1492." (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Baby Mac: McDonald's has a new series of TV commercials that are aimed at kids as young as 2 years old. "Which explains their new sandwich, the 'McNipple.' " (Conan O'Brien)

Morning Glory: Kathie Lee Gifford announced that starting next month she's going to sing the opening theme of her show. "Regis Philbin announced that starting next month he's going to be late for work every day." (O'Brien)

Trip Out!: President Clinton is expected to sign legislation to increase intelligence spending on technology for foreign eavesdropping. "Wouldn't it have been cheaper to just hire Linda Tripp?" (Chris Pina)

All About Labeling: Just in time for Thanksgiving, the FDA has enacted regulations for the labeling of turkeys. Effective immediately, all turkeys that are stored at temperatures below zero degrees must be labeled "frozen." Those turkeys stored above zero degrees may be labeled "fresh." "The ruling doesn't apply to recent Kevin Costner movies." (Premiere Radio)

Plucked: The political season is upon us. "Order that 'liberal position special' at KFC, and you'll get a bucket of left wings." (LaMonte Laments)

In Hollywood: A bankruptcy judge in Florida has approved a plan that will allow the financially strapped Burt Reynolds to keep his property. "It seems they won't seize his assets, as long as he agrees not to make any more 'Smokey & the Bandit' movies." (Rudolph J. Cecera)

Thin-Skinned: "Ally McBeal" star Calista Flockhart is denying reports that she's starving herself. However, she did just sign a new contract at $120,000 an episode. "Who says you can never be too rich or too thin?" (Argus Hamilton)

Wag the Pooch: Sen. John McCain told CNN that before President Clinton sends troops to rescue Albanians, he'd better go on TV and tell the American people what's going on. "That's not necessary. We saw the movie." (Hamilton)

Creature Feature: For an animated feature, "Antz" is receiving surprisingly good reviews. "So far, it has three thumbs up: from Siskel, Ebert and the Orkin Man." (Bob Mills)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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