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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

October 15, 1998

Save the Leftovers: A psychiatric report says Mike Tyson is mentally fit to return to boxing despite his biting incident. "Tyson said: 'I applaud the study, it just shows that everyone deserves a chance at seconds, um, I mean a second chance.' " (Alex Kaseberg)

Now at Bombbusters: Eddie Murphy's latest movie, "Holy Man," bombed at the box office. "On the bright side, if Murphy has just one more bomb he will get his own section at Blockbuster next to the Demi Moore and Kevin Costner wing." (Kaseberg)

Road Raves: On a congested freeway over the weekend, a pregnant woman gave birth to her third child. "I tell you, these L.A. drivers will do anything to get into the carpool lane." (Buzz Report)

Devilish Plan: "A fertility doctor in New York has been using a cloning procedure to help older women get pregnant. He takes the egg from the younger woman, hollows it out, and inserts the nucleus from the egg of the older woman. Now I'm not an expert here, but isn't that how you make deviled eggs?" (Jay Leno)

Ground Smog Day: A census of gophers in Southern California shows a record rise of 25% mainly due to El Nino rains. "It's an old tradition in L.A., if a gopher emerges from his den and can't see his shadow, we're in for three more months of smog." (Bob Mills)

Shout It Out: The FBI switched to a nationwide computer system to provide every state access to DNA information. "Every woman President Clinton has ever dated is pulling her 'soiled' dress out of the closet." (Jerry Perisho)

Elephant Care: According to a recent study, 43.4 million Americans are without health insurance. "The rest of the population is Republican." (Rudolph J. Cecera)

Show and Tell: Proposition 8 is stirring up voters in California. It suspends kids who bring drugs to school. "Currently, children only get suspended for bringing drugs to school if they fail to bring enough for everybody." (Argus Hamilton)

Cheer Up: Fox's "Costello" has become the first new TV show of the season to be canceled. "Some called it a cheap rip-off of 'Cheers.' Let's just say, even Norm wouldn't want to go into Costello's bar." (Premiere Radio)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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