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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

October 16, 1998

Support Statistics: Los Angeles has the lowest percentage of child support recovery in the nation. "But the figures are skewed because L.A. has two professional basketball teams." (Gary Easley)

Native Gamblers: "The big one here in California is the gambling in Indian casinos. More money has been spent on this measure than any other ballot measure in state history. I saw one of the opponents of this Indian thing today on the news. He said, 'If the Indians don't like the laws of this country, they can just go back to where they came from.' " (Jay Leno)

Steer Clear: Dozens of passengers on a Northwest flight became dizzy due to soap in the air-conditioning system. "However, the plane did make a clean landing." (Premiere Radio)

Child Play: Because of the NBA lockout, it looks like the '98 season may be canceled. "No one is worried, though. Commissioner David Stern feels that they can create a new league comprised of the players' illegitimate children." (Danny Kolker)

Rocky VI: The Nevada Boxing Commission examined Mike Tyson's psychiatric evaluation and pronounced him fit to fight in the ring. "These guys were easy. Next, they cleared Ross Perot to run for president in 2000." (Argus Hamilton)

Bullish Behavior: Merrill Lynch stock brokerage announced it was forced to lay off 3,400 office workers. "It's not cause for panic. Merrill Lynch is still bullish on America, it's just thinning out the herd." (Hamilton)

Power Meal: Mark McGwire will appear on a Wheaties box. "The cereal is fortified with eight essential growth supplements." (Premiere)

Business as Usual: The William Morris agency is celebrating its 100th anniversary this year. William Morris became a vaudeville agent when he signed on his first client. "And today, 100 years later, that very same client is still waiting for him to return his phone calls." (Ira Lawson)

War of the Roses: Despite reports to the contrary, Tom Arnold and Roseanne will not be reunited on her talk show. "So, go ahead and get your cable reconnected." (Jerry Perisho)

In True Voice: Michael Bolton had to cancel a South African tour due to throat problems. "Bolton first noticed a problem during the last leg of his tour when his voice began sounding clear and unstrained." (Premiere)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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