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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

October 19, 1998

The Bite Is Back: "Mike Tyson is training again. He has three sparring partners. Or as he calls it, a buffet." (Jay Leno)

A Bad Match: "These doctors said biting someone's ear off in the middle of a boxing match is not a sign that you're crazy. They did say, however, letting Don King handle your money, that's crazy." (Leno)

Room to Roam: The recently opened Bellagio hotel in Las Vegas is being called the costliest hotel in the world. "At least until the final tab comes in on the one where Bill Clinton met Paula Jones." (Steve Voldseth)

Lady T-Bird: The Nashville Network is bringing roller derby back to TV and said it has already signed up 100 women. "In a related story, President Clinton accepted the resignation of Janet Reno." (Conan O'Brien)

The Holdup: South African customs officials have seized four illegal shipments of Viagra. "They became suspicious when the crates read: 'This side, way up!' " (Buzz Report)

Reefer Madness: A federal judge has ordered a cannabis club in San Francisco to shut down. "The judge then got overzealous and ordered the city to get rid of all potholes." (Joshua Sostrin)

Republican Reductions: Judiciary Chairman Henry Hyde has reduced the 15 charges against Bill Clinton to just a few. "Before he did that, he consulted the highest authorities in his party--the Republican opinion pollsters." (Gary Easley)


The Essential David Letterman

Among the Top 10 "Monday Night Football" color commentator insights:

10. "You gotta score points to win in this league."

9. "Turnovers will kill ya every time."

6. "Yes, I'm going to finish this sandwich, Mr. Dierdorf."

5. "I hear Gif's a casino greeter at Harrah's."

4. "What the hell kind of a name is Boomer anyway?"

3. "You can't move the ball downfield if your receivers drop it."

2. "These two teams really disagree on the issues."

1. "He's off and running, and not even a Ken Starr subpoena can stop him."

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