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Punch Lines

October 29, 1998

Mega Megahertz: IBM has developed the world's fastest computer. "To show you how fast it is, by the time a worker with a regular computer is just logging onto a porno site, the worker with the new IBM has already been fired." (Alex Kaseberg)

Change That Tune: According to a new study, aerobics may lower testosterone in males. "Richard Simmons actually used to sound like Barry White." (Premiere Radio)

Oldies but Ancient: Rhino Records will soon release a CD titled "Twenty Centuries of Hits," containing musical chestnuts dating to the ancient Greeks. "Among the cuts: 'I Only Have Eye for You,' by the Cyclops; 'You Only Hurt the One You Love,' by David and Goliath; 'Up the Lazy Nile,' by Cleopatra and the Asps." (Bob Mills)

Low Profile: "It's difficult to come up with a creative costume each Halloween. Last year I was the invisible man and didn't go anywhere. It'll be the same thing this year, only now I'm Al Gore." (LaMonte Laments)

Ruthless: A judge ordered pirated nude photographs of radio psychologist Dr. Laura Schlessinger off the Internet. "Good! Let's nip this in the bud before it gets to Dr. Ruth!" (Laments)

He's a Starman: Some critics are upset with John Glenn's participation in the upcoming shuttle mission, claiming NASA is just using him as a publicity stunt. "What's worse, Mir's cosmonauts are complaining that NASA's only sending Glenn into space so they can use his handicapped parking placard to get a better spot in orbit." (Joshua Sostrin)

Listen Up: "NASA memo issued to all astronauts accompanying John Glenn on the space shuttle: From now on, when Sen. Glenn is operating the mechanical forceps, do not, repeat, do not yell out, 'Geezer's got the tweezers.' " (Kaseberg)

Spell C-H-I-C: Campbell's Soup is running a new TV advertising campaign this fall. "They're obviously trying to attract a more modern, hipper, high-tech type of customer. Now the alphabet soup comes with spell check." (Argus Hamilton)

Morning Start: General Mills is honoring the world champion New York Yankees with a special-edition Wheaties box. David Wells, Derek Jeter and Bernie Williams will be pictured on the front of the package. "The Yankees may be on the front, but on the bottom of the box will be the Padres, demonstrating what to do in case you eat the Wheaties and choke." (Mark Wheeler)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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