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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

September 01, 1998

Hot, Hot, Hot: In Los Angeles, this weekend's temperatures broke the record set in 1967. "This year, the heat is blamed on global warming--in '67, it was the summer of love, when people used any excuse to take off their clothes." (Gary Easley)

Big Bite: "Blade" remained the No. 1 movie this weekend. Wesley Snipes stars as a half-vampire superhero. "Call him, 'Buff, the Vampire Slayer.' " (Premiere Radio)

Something About That Movie: The summer's big sleeper hit, "There's Something About Mary," actually increased business, moving to the No. 2 box-office spot. "You know studios all over Hollywood are now saying, 'Get me GROSS!' " (Premiere)

Disco Lives: "Studio 54" opened across the nation Friday. It's a '70s movie about the decade of disco, cocaine, drinking and free love. "The baby boom wasn't really a generation; we were a Rat Pack with 70 million members." (Argus Hamilton)

All Aboard!: Video stores are expecting record business with the release of "Titanic." "The videotape version is so realistic. The tape hits a snag and snaps in half the first time you play the movie." (Argus Hamilton)

Fair Exchanges: Steven Seagal has asked Taiwan to stop the cruel practice of rounding up and killing stray dogs. "Taiwan agreed--just as soon as Seagal stops his cruelty to the world: making movies." (Easley)

Posh Pope: Pope John Paul has authorized a line of sunglasses and designer fashions featuring his signature. "Kmart's Jaclyn Smith collection will now be on the back rack to make room for the pope's fall line." (David Christensen)

Growing Up: The team from Toms River, N.J., defeated Japan to win the Little League World Series. Little Leaguer Chris Cardone hit two home runs. "After the game, Chris filed for free agency, hired an agent, and demanded five bucks a pop for an autograph." (Premiere)

Mum's the Word: President Clinton confounded critics when his job approval rating went up to 69% this week. "It's no secret why most Americans love him. He's the only person on TV who's not talking about Monica Lewinsky." (Hamilton)

Birthday Stars: Saturday was Michael Jackson's 40th birthday. "So he's not the star he used to be. Heck, he's not even the body he used to be." (Premiere)

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* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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