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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

September 02, 1998

Hot Stock: "It is so hot, investors are watching their stocks just to catch the breeze as they drop." (Alex Kaseberg)

The Big Drop: "The Dow's 19.3% slide since July 17 was the steepest drop since the profit margin on Kevin Costner's last movie." (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Passing the Pavement: "The Russian ruble is plummeting so fast it just passed the yen, the peso and Tom Arnold's chances of getting a new sitcom." (John Corcoran)

A Dead Heat: The late Jackie Lewis, of Oklahoma City, gained enough votes to advance to a runoff for the Democratic nomination to a U.S. Senate seat. "I say to the campaigning cadaver, never quit. Look how far Al Gore's gone!" (Buzz Report)

Promise Sweepers: A female version of Promise Keepers, 19,000 strong, met over the weekend. "They reconfirmed their marriage vows and spoke of national pride, then cleaned up the clutter their husbands had left behind years earlier." (Jerry Perisho)

Pulling Strings: "The Russian economy is not doing well. The good news is, our capitalist country was able to bring Russia into the 20th century. The bad news is, we only got them as far as 1929." (Jay Leno)

Dr. Sticky Fingers: The FDA has approved the use of a super-glue-like adhe

sive called Dermabond that replaces stitches on skin-deep incisions. "Doctors across the country are ecstatic. For the first time, they'll be able to paste their bill right on the patient's wound." (Bob Mills)

A Time Saver: The CBS network announced plans to begin a series of cost-saving cutbacks. "In fact, it's the lead story on this Sunday's edition of '54 Minutes.' " (Steve Voldseth)

First Roles: George Bush said that when he was a boy he once paid a girl 10 cents to run naked in front of him. "The rest is history. He went on to become president of the United States; she went on to become a 'Baywatch' babe." (Bill Williams)

On Defense: Yet another member of the Dallas Cowboys, lineman Larry Allen, has been accused of sexually assaulting a woman. "This year, the Cowboys playbook has a section for offense, a section for defense and a section for Miranda rights and attorneys' phone numbers." (Jerry Perisho)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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