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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

September 08, 1998

Hard Labor: "Millions of Americans welcomed Labor Day. It's the one day they can escape the grueling drudgery of surfing the Internet at work." (Joshua Sostrin)

Peep Show: Madonna is joining a legal fight to halt a YMCA construction project in Manhattan. She says the job poses a "hazard for me and my child." "Although she supports the construction of a sex shop down the street." (Daily Scoop)

Support System: President Clinton's job approval rating remains high despite his troubles. "But some of his support is wavering. Comedians say they will support Clinton only until Dan Quayle announces his candidacy." (Argus Hamilton)

Being a Stooge: A National Constitution Center survey reveals only 41% of teens can name the three branches of government but 59% can name the Three Stooges. "There's a difference. The Three Stooges are much more cerebral." (Hamilton)

Deadhead Delight: Two ice cream vendors in New York were indicted for allegedly selling drugs from their truck. "The name gave them away: 'Chunky Monkey for Junkies.' " (Buzz Report)

All the Talk: Oprah Winfrey will appear nude in a love scene with Danny Glover in the movie "Beloved." "Those afternoon TV talk-show hosts are so competitive. Jerry Springer just announced he's dating Monica Lewinsky." (Hamilton)

Discovery Zone: A recent study reports the top candies responsible for the $3 billion in annual sales at movie complexes are Milk Duds, Reese's Pieces, Junior Mints, Raisinettes, Goobers and Twizzlers. "Scientists arrived at these rankings after careful study of samples scraped off the soles of a typical moviegoer's shoes." (Bob Mills)

Women and Children First: "So many people showed up to rent 'Titanic' at the Long Beach Marina Blockbuster that the video store sank." (Alex Kaseberg)

Around the World: Twenty-six million copies of "Titanic" have been manufactured. "To put that in perspective, that's enough VHS tape to circle the planet 260 times or James Cameron's head twice." (Steve Voldseth)

Unfashionable Cafe: The Fashion Cafe, founded by several supermodels, is folding. "The food was actually quite good, but most customers never really got the hang of using the binge-and-purge trough at the back of the restaurant." (Sostrin)

Parts Is Parts: Michael Jackson recently celebrated his 40th birthday. "He doesn't look 40. After all, his nose is only 12, his lips are just 18 and his skin will be 10 in December." (Hamilton)

Hop to It: Mr. Toad's Wild Ride may soon be removed from Disney World. "They're terrified Al Gore will hear about it. One peep about an endangered toad, and the whole theme park could be declared a protected wetlands." (Hamilton)

Event Planning: The FDA approved a prescription morning-after pill that can prevent pregnancy. "Prescription? If you thought that far ahead, you wouldn't need the pill." (Hamilton)

What's in a Name?: Cher is having her tattoos removed. "If she kept all the tattoos of boyfriends' names, she'd look like the Vietnam Memorial." (Daily Scoop)

On Our Left . . . : In an attempt to settle the Northwest Airlines strike, negotiators from both sides are meeting. "But talks are dragging on longer than expected because the pilots keep running to the window to point out landmarks." (Mills)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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