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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

September 10, 1998

Sibling Watch: Last weekend's Million Youth March in New York City ended with marchers' unruly behavior. "Fortunately, things were brought under control when the Big Sisters organization stepped in and threatened to tell everyone's mother." (Steve Voldseth)

Guardian Watch: Atlanta's version of the Million Youth March, led by the Rev. Jesse Jackson, stayed under control. "But it wasn't easy. He had to keep turning around and threatening, 'Don't make me pull this march over!' " (Voldseth)

Pop Curriculum: American Heritage magazine says U.S. history is being poorly taught. Teachers rely too much on pop culture. "California kids are taught that Ponce de Leon landed in Florida in 1519 seeking the Fountain of Viagra." (Argus Hamilton)

Stepping Up: A recent high school graduate in Arizona is running for the school board. "If she's elected, tutors will be available for board members needing assistance in understanding any big words she uses." (David Christensen)

Nonassurance Policies: Two insurance companies say they have reached a tentative settlement on a class-action lawsuit over some deceptive life insurance polices issued from 1982 through 1997. "Apparently, deep in the fine print of the policies, it says that if you die all benefits go to some guy named Morty." (Mark Wheeler)

Business as Usual: A small bird flew into the cockpit of a United Airlines plane at Dulles International Airport, causing a three-hour delay for a flight full of London-bound passengers. "But their luggage arrived in Tokyo on time." (Paul Ecker)

Out of Habit: In Arizona, a fence contractor accidentally put barbed wire around a high school instead of a chain-link fence. "It was an understandable mistake: He was from L.A." (Rudolph J. Cecera)

The Night Before: The FDA has approved the so-called morning-after birth control pills. "All the testing was done on women. You think that's sexist? See, it's not sexist. It's just that men usually aren't around the morning after." (Jay Leno)

Bad Boys: Republican Rep. Dan Burton, who recently called President Clinton a "scumbag," admitted fathering a child out of wedlock. "When the Democrats learned about his adulterous affair, they demanded, 'Hey, you gotta join our party! This is where the action is!' " (Leno)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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