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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

September 15, 1998

Get It?: "Frasier" won for best comedy series for a fifth consecutive year. "It's a very sophisticated comedy. That means you laugh at jokes you think you're supposed to get." (Premiere Radio)

The ABCs: At the Emmys, "The Practice" won for best drama. "Accepting the Emmy were 350 soccer moms, 30 violin students and Dan Quayle's spelling coach." (Paul Ecker)

Lift Off!: Former Alabama governor and presidential candidate George Wallace died Sunday at the age of 79. "He died the same day a TV movie on his life won three Emmys. In another startling irony, George was made to stand at the back of the bus heading off Earth." (Premiere)

Tabloid Bombs: Arnold Schwarzenegger is suing the Globe tabloid for saying that his heart is a ticking time bomb. "They got it wrong. Based on the low grosses of his last film and his age, his career is a ticking time bomb." (Argus Hamilton)

Round Up: "Rounders," the movie about poker starring Matt Damon and Ed Norton, is America's new No. 1 flick. "It's the only movie in America guaranteed to always have a full house." (Premiere)

A Low Cut: "There's Something About Mary" takes the No. 2 spot. "The directors are thinking about reediting the film so it can get a lower rating. I didn't think the film could get any lower." (Premiere)

*

The Essential David Letterman

Top 10 signs you're about to be impeached:

10. When you call to congratulate Mark McGwire, he lets his machine get it.

9. Your press secretary keeps introducing you as "President William Milhouse Clinton."

8. You're invited to appear on "Jeopardy!'s" "Impeached Presidents Week."

7. Tipper Gore's in your office, measuring it for drapes.

6. Even the sluttiest intern won't give you the time of day.

5. Library of Congress stops letting you sign out books.

4. You walk into the Capitol commissary and 500 people simultaneously say, "Shh! He's here."

3. Someone changed the locks on Monica Lewinsky.

2. Suddenly, everyone's kissing Al Gore's big cinder-block butt.

1. Your new Secret Service code name: Road Kill.

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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