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Friends of Bill Lend Support

September 20, 1998|ANNE BEATTS | Anne Beatts is a writer who lives in Hollywood

From the president's mailbag . . .

Dear Bill:

As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your predicament. Although when I was president I merely lusted in my heart, I have to admit that had I served another term, my lust might have broken free and moved down my body. God bless you in this time of trial.

Jimmy Carter

Dear Bill:

OK, so I'll never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a babe!

Gary Hart

My Dear Chap:

This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should ask that charming Jay Leno to see you through. Pop onto his show, admit you made an ass of yourself and all will be forgiven.

Hugh Grant

Bill:

They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel room with drugs and a prostitute, but I bounced back, and so can you!

Mayor Marion Barry

Dear Bill:

Look on the bright side. At least you weren't caught wearing Monica's thong underwear. By the way, I'll be back on TV this fall.

Marv Albert

Dear Mr. President:

You may have noticed I'm not jumping on the impeachment bandwagon. Let me assure you, you're not the only one in Congress who thinks oral sex isn't really sex. I have no desire to be another Dan Burton.

Warm personal regards,

Newt

Yo, Prez!

Things got nasty when I was just trying to be a good Samaritan, but have you checked the grosses on "Dr. Dolittle"?

Eddie

Dear Commander in Chief:

It seems you and I have more in common than I thought. Keep fighting!

Margarethe Cammmermeyer

Dear Bill:

Hang in there, pal! By the way, Kathie Lee sends Hillary her regards and invites her to come on her show any time.

Frank Gifford

Dear Mr. President:

Now I'm on the Supreme Court. I'm there for life! And there's nothing anyone can do about it! So there!

Justice Clarence Thomas,

a.k.a Long Dong Silver

Dear Former Worthy Opponent:

Whoo, boy! All I can say is, Bob Dole would never have gotten himself into this mess! Not Bob Dole! At least not before Viagra!

Bob Dole

Dear Mr. President:

I think it's just terrible what they're doing to you, and I want you to know that if you need to get away from it all, you're welcome to bring Buddy and stay with me on my Wonderland Ranch for as long as you want. I'll move the Cub Scout troop to a tent on the lawn and you can have their room.

Michael Jackson

Dear Fellow Sinner:

Jesus forgives you and so do I.

Rev. Jimmy Swaggart

Dear Bill:

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Jim Bakker

P.S. Jessica sends regards and wants to get together with you sometime.

Dear Bill:

Next time (if there is a next time), don't let them get you on tape. Big mistake!

With sympathy,

Rob Lowe

Dear Bill:

If I survived being a tampon, you can survive the cigar bit. Things were grim for a while, but now it looks as though I might actually manage to marry my darling Camilla, and someday I'll be king! Funny how life turns out. So keep a stiff upper lip! (And relax everything else, haha! And they say I have no sense of humour!)

HRH Charles Windsor

Dear Mr. President:

We would like to invite you to be the cover subject of our next issue.

The editors, Cigar magazine

(Special thanks to Eve Brandstein for inspiring this column.)

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