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ART BUCHWALD

Let's Move the Big Mess Over to the Big Apple

September 23, 1998|ART BUCHWALD

NEW YORK — I have unilaterally moved the nation's capital to New York City from Washington, D.C. My decision has been made to run the entire government from Manhattan.

The reason for this is that Washington was just not working for those of us who were looking for honest government, strict morality and soft money.

Manhattan appealed to me when I discovered there is more money here than in Bill Gates' backyard. Washington, from a tax standpoint, was sitting on trillions of dollars, but it couldn't be spent unless Congress voted on all of it.

Manhattan, on the other hand, is jammed with brokers and investment bankers who can do anything they want to with people's money, and whenever the stock market falls more than 500 points, it is called a "correction."

What has made Manhattan a fine place for the nation's capital is its real estate. Everyone in New York takes pride in the land--not just the size of the foyer, but also the recreation room.

I don't wish to knock Washington as a place to live, but I would hate for my daughter to work there as an intern. I would also hate to have my daughter's girlfriend work next to her, and I would hate for my son to be a Secret Service man in front of the grand jury.

New York fits all my needs, and I advise everyone to move here. It has taxicabs that can run over you, restaurants that won't let you in and banks that stay open all night in case you want to be held up. I don't know how long I'll remain in New York--probably at least until someone high in government circles says, "I'm sorry."

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