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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

September 23, 1998

Countdown!: The first day of fall arrived Monday at 10:37 p.m. The signs are everywhere. "Only 93 shopping days left till Christmas!" (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Naughty Books: A U.S. Appeals Court ruled that federal prisons can keep pornography, including Playboy and Penthouse, from inmates. "That's OK. They'll be busy for years with the Starr Report." (Bill Williams)

Happy New Year!: Rosh Hashana, the Jewish High Holy Days, culminates with the Day of Atonement. "Of course, President Clinton may need at least a week." (Cortes)

Caught Again!: Did you hear about the White House recently hosting top jazz performers in a concert? "When President Clinton started singing along, Hillary whacked him and demanded to know, 'Who's Georgia and what is she doing on your mind?!' " (Jerry Perisho)

Consecutive Scores: The San Francisco Giants beat the L.A. Dodgers 18-4 on Saturday. "Hey, L.A. may not have the Rams and Raiders anymore, but at least our baseball teams get beat by the same scores!" (Perisho)

Stomp the Ump: Mark McGwire was robbed of homer No. 66. The umpire ruled fan interference. "It's the dumbest decision since the Supreme Court ruled that the Paula Jones civil suit wouldn't be a distraction to the president." (Argus Hamilton)

They Will Follow . . . : Every year, thousands of tourists visit the Iowa baseball field featured in the Kevin Costner film "Field of Dreams." "They all ponder the same inspiring question, 'Why the heck did Costner make 'Waterworld'?" (Buzz Report)

A Bad Wrap: Grammy-winning rapper Coolio was arrested in Lawndale on drug and weapons-possession charges. "The cops saw him from afar . . . put him in their car . . . and quicker than a wink . . . he was sitting in the clink." (Bob Mills)

Back to Basics: "Now that kids are back into their daily classroom routine, school administrators are ready for the students to start focusing on the really important stuff: Going door to door to sell stuff for the school fund-raiser!" (David Craig)

Double Meanings: For the first time this decade, teenagers who are not sexually active are in the majority, according to a new study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. "Maybe they're just using the president's definition of sex." (Johnny Robish)

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* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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