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Punch Lines

September 28, 1998

Jailhouse Rock: A man in Dallas, Robert Louis Rogers, is accused of stealing a leather jacket of Elvis Presley's and trying to sell it for $100,000. "Police became suspicious when Rogers claimed he got the jacket from the King after they met at a health food store." (Premiere Radio)

Really?!!: A new study shows that rich contributors get access to politicians that the average citizen does not and also get favorable legislation written for them. "Like, we needed a study to tell us that." (Gary Easley)

Cart-Before-the-Horse Department: South African President Nelson Mandela, who was the guest of honor at a White House reception last week, spent 25 years in prison before he served in public office. "Most politicians do it the other way around." (Argus Hamilton)

Numbers Cruncher: Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan delivered his Wall Street forecast to the Senate Banking Committee last week. "His mind began to wander. He predicted Sammy Sosa would hit 10,000 by the end of the year." (Hamilton)

Funny Money: The Department of Treasury unveiled the new $20 bill last week. The portrait is bigger and more expressive. "It shows Andrew Jackson denying that he ever had sexual relations with that woman, Dolly Madison." (Hamilton)


The Essential David Letterman:

Top Clinton Campaign Slogans if He Were to Run Again:

9. "The other candidates are close, but no cigar."

8. "It couldn't possibly get more embarrassing."

7. "You gotta admit he keeps you interested."

6. "He's through fooling around with interns . . . unless there's a really hot crop next semester."

5. "Clinton--in touch with America's young people."

4. "Who knows, ladies, maybe you'll be next."

3. "Come on, haven't we all had sex with an employee young enough to be our daughter and then lied about it under oath?"

2. "Now more like JFK than ever."

1. "Peace, prosperity and big daddy lovin.' "

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