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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

September 30, 1998

Bunch of Bull: Nevada's Ponderosa Dairy has been charged with dumping 1.7 million gallons of cow waste that drifted into a California river. "In this state, cow manure in these quantities usually only comes out of Sacramento." (Jerry Perisho)

Confess Your Mess: Yom Kippur is the holiest day of the Jewish year. "It's the holiday in which people confess and atone for all the sins committed in the past year, or, as it's known in America, President's Day." (Argus Hamilton)

Little Green Men: Ross Perot told a Reform Party convention that President Clinton is unfit to be the president, saying, "This guy's brain's not working correctly." "Perot added that he's also unhappy about Martians planting microbes in the brains of voters in order to turn them against him." (Johnny Robish)

Bad Winds: Hurricane Georges is bearing down on New Orleans. "Even the Saints are marching out." (Paul Ecker)

Let's Make a Deal: The lawyers for President Clinton and Paula Jones are negotiating a settlement. "They have agreed on attorney fees, but they will have to negotiate who pays for the nose job." (Gary Easely)

Showcasing: Los Angeles will soon open a 15,000-square-foot museum housing police department artifacts. "The centerpiece exhibit will be remnants of the first jelly doughnut ordered by an L.A. cop on June 16, 1934." (Bob Mills)

The Elephant's Call: At a recent fund-raiser in Michigan, Vice President Al Gore was accidentally introduced as President Al Gore. "Apparently, the announcer was a Republican." (Rudolph J. Cecera)

In Plain View: According to a "20/20" news report, an FBI handwriting expert has concluded that JonBenet Ramsey's mom wrote the fake ransom note. "Of course, if he thinks she'll ever be convicted, he should examine the writing on the wall." (Premiere Radio)

Shall We Stop: Tom Hanks is close to doing a remake of the Japanese film "Shall We Dance?" "After 'Godzilla,' I'm surprised Japan would let Hollywood near any of its films." (Premiere)

Rushed Out: Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker's "Rush Hour" topped the box office again. "According to the movie's publicist, Chan's hands are actually faster than Bill Clinton's." (Premiere)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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