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Laugh Lines

April 02, 1999

Ready, Aim, Fire: The NATO attacks on Yugoslavia continue. "The sad thing about all this is, a week ago the average American didn't even know where Belgrade was. This week they finally learned where it is, and by next week it won't be there anymore." (Jay Leno)

Ready, Aim, Fire II: Taking a break from the Kosovo crisis, President Clinton hit the golf course, where he phoned British Prime Minister Tony Blair. "Blair suggested increased bombings, more humanitarian aid and a 9-iron in the rough." (Jerry Perisho)

Hold Your Fire: The Pentagon is scrambling to avoid a missile shortage. "In fact, the U.S. military says we're only two or three Clinton scandals away from being completely disarmed." (Mark Wheeler)

On the Campaign Trail: Lamar Alexander is running for president. "You know, nice man, doesn't have the best campaign slogan, though. 'Lamar, the other white guy.' " (Leno)

Here and Abroad: During Hillary Rodham Clinton's visit to Morocco, she lectured on condoms and birth control at a small village. "And coincidentally it was the same lecture she gave to Bill before she left." (Leno)

Another Impeachment Scandal: Paraguayan legislators voted to impeach President Raul Cubas Grau, who resigned Sunday. "When was Monica in Paraguay?" (Dave Nathan)

Ring a Bell?: The Dow Jones industrial average hit 10,000. "What's the big deal? Wilt Chamberlain hit that figure 20 years ago." (Perisho)

Another Round: Evander Holyfield and Lennox Lewis have agreed to a rematch for the heavyweight title. "Regulators are cracking down on the promoters, however. From now on, there will be a seven-day waiting period before you can buy a judge." (Argus Hamilton)

On the Outs: Actor Tom Arnold and his wife are divorcing after 3 1/2 years of marriage. "Gee, I didn't see that coming." (Chris Pina)

What'll It Be?: McDonald's has introduced a four-patty burger called the Mega Mac. "It's part of their complete menu: the breakfast meal, the Happy Meal and the last meal." (Steve Voldseth)


The Essential David Letterman

Top jobs in the new millennium:

10. Assistant fight fixer, Don King Corp.

9. Medical marijuana product quality tester.

8. Sign-Remover, Failed Starbucks Locations.

7. NBA token white guy.

6. NHL token black guy.

5. Guy who puts "Intel Inside" stickers on every computer.

4. Consultant, Hillary Rodham Clinton new husband search.

3. Guy in charge of gathering sharp sticks after Y2K knocks us back to Stone Age.

2. Producer of "Where Are They Now?" specials on David Letterman and Paul Shaffer.

1. Human toy for Bill Gates.


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