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| ART BUCHWALD

Online Rules to Keep Your Computer in Line

April 06, 1999|ART BUCHWALD

Bill Gates has just written a book entitled "Business @ the Speed of Thought," in which he has listed the "Ten New Rules Concerning Computer Networking."

Without stealing his thunder, I also have 10 rules which I will eventually put in a book. They are not as sophisticated as Mr. Gates' are, but then again, I don't have his money:

1. When turning on your computer, try to remember your password. Many people cannot boot up their machines because they can't recall if they named their password after their wives, their children or the girl next door.

2. Do not hit any key you are not certain of, as it will only make you lose the file on your hard disk. You may ask, "Which key?" No one knows which button on your computer will make you lose everything you have written for the last two days.

3. Spilling coffee or soda on your keyboard will cause more trouble than the drinks are worth.

4. Do not put a computer in a microwave oven if it does not warm up.

5. If you have difficulty getting the font you want, do not call the computer maker to talk to someone. They will put you on hold for three days until you starve to death.

6. There is no such thing as a friendly computer. It will stab you in the back as soon as you turn to answer the telephone.

7. A computer is so simple even a child can use it--as a matter of fact, only a child can use it. Do not try to do anything on a computer unless someone under 13 is standing next to you.

8. The more bells and whistles a computer has available, the less chance you have of doing anything on it.

9. The Internet is as good a way as any to say "Hi" to people who live in New Guinea.

10. There is no way of getting rid of an outdated computer other than to get in your car and drive it to a salt mine in New Mexico.

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