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Laugh Lines

April 11, 1999

Ready, Aim, Keep Aiming: The conflict in Kosovo could drag on for some time. "This is the last time we let Don King arrange a war." (Argus Hamilton)

Pump Line: The price of gas has risen more than 25 cents a gallon over the last two weeks. "In Los Angeles, mini-marts are going to offer valet parking and require a reservation." (Bob Mills)

Civic Pride: San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown is considering a proposal that would allow the homeless to take credit card donations. "Not to be outdone, in Los Angeles, Mayor Richard Riordan is considering a plan that would allow the city to charge $39.95 on pay-per-view for high-speed chases." (Andrew Wisot)

Word Up: Astronomers say that because there are numerous occurrences of blue moons, the phrase "once in a blue moon" isn't correct. "Instead, the phrase will now be 'once in a Clippers victory.' " (Rudolph J. Cecera)

In the Arena: A teenage girl is America's biggest hope to win a gold medal in Olympic weight-lifting. "She plans to attempt to set a world's record and lift, at one time, all the International Olympic Committee bribes." (Bill Williams)

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Chris Pina's Essential List of the Day

Top 4 Marilyn Manson gripes:

4. Damn heels.

3. Can't achieve a softer, more natural look.

2. Knowing Courtney Love is way more macho.

1. Arriving at gala party and hostess is wearing same shoes.

Send jokes to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, SoCal Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A.90053.

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