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Laugh Lines

April 23, 1999

Heavy Duty: Astronomers have discovered the presence of three huge planets orbiting the star Upsilon Andromedae. "For the time being, the scientists are calling them Marlon Brando, Merv Griffin and Kathy Bates." (Bob Mills)

Signing Off: The tobacco industry is being forced to strike cigarette billboards. "Big tobacco is shrugging off this defeat, claiming its real target market isn't even old enough to read anyway." (Jon Stewart)

Where's the Vacuum?: "It appears Republican presidential candidate Dan Quayle is a bit misinformed about the current situation in Yugoslavia. He thinks ethnic cleansing means hiring a Polish housekeeper." (Ira Lawson)

Bail Faster: The NFL has decided that if Los Angeles is going to get a pro football team, it will play its games at the Los Angeles Coliseum. "They decided the Coliseum would be the best choice because the area has the biggest variety of bail bondsmen for the players to choose from." (Lawson)

Mental Health Milestone: This year marks the 20th anniversary of the Sony Walkman portable stereo. "Up until then, the people who walked around singing to themselves all the time were called 'crazy.' " (Lawson)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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