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April 28, 1999

Hold Your Fire: NATO forces knocked out Serbian TV. "That'll teach them. 'You commit genocide? No TV, young man.' " (Bill Maher)

A Familiar Ring: Hillary Rodham Clinton is publishing a book about how the Clintons entertain guests at the White House. "They already have that book, don't they? It's called the Starr Report." (Jay Leno)


The Essential

David Letterman

Ways to make religious history more exciting:

10. New chapter of the Bible: "The Book of Regis."

8. After David slays Goliath, he is elected governor of Minnesota.

7. Each psalm has to include the word "jiggy."

6. Lord is asked to perform greatest miracle--get Knicks in playoffs.

5. At end of Jonah and the whale story, Roy Scheider blows up whale using pressurized oxygen tank.

4. All-new book of Genesis explains why they've stunk since Peter Gabriel left.

3. The book of Judges expanded to include Koch and Judy.

2. Epic new film: "The Ten Commandments Broken by Darryl Strawberry."

1. Scratch 'n' sniff plagues.

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