I interviewed at Demi Moore's production company for a personal-assistant position. They corrected me on the pronunciation of Demi. The only way I can remember it is, Dummy but with an e. They didn't give me the job.
Nov. 24, 1998
The girl that moved in downstairs is bulimic. Her vomiting is so loud, people can hear her when I'm on the phone.
Dec. 13, 1998
The street-cleaning twice a week is making me crazy. The parking Gestapo waits in front of my apartment for the stroke of 10 a.m. Tickets are growing in my glove compartment like a fungus.
Jan. 1, 1999: My Birthday, 6 a.m.
Last night I catered for a couple in Beverly Hills whose child's playroom is bigger than my apartment. Dad's a studio big shot. Five of us worked constantly--until 2 a.m. They never fed us and didn't tip us. I should've smeared foie gras on their walls. I know God has something in store for me. I wish He'd get around to it.
March 1, 1999
I found a way to make an extra $100 a week. I'm going to participate in a study on depression with the California Clinical Trials. Plus I'll find out if my depression is occupational.
March 23, 1999
Last night I attended the Minnesota Film Board's annual party at the Roosevelt Hotel. Being a Chicago native, I can say the following: The accent isn't funny anymore and doesn't mean you're going to get cast in a quirky movie.
April 1, 1999
Today I temped at a Beverly Hills law firm. The highlight was typing Betty White's will.
May 1, 1999
I've been dating a Jewish producer. Today my mother said, "You'd make a great Jew. God knows you were never a good Lutheran."
May 15, 1999
I had a commercial audition in which I fought off imaginary desserts with plastic forks. At another audition, four signs read: "NO ACTOR PARKING ALLOWED. YOU WILL BE TOWED." Before I moved to L.A. I was proud to be an actor.
May 26, 1999
Today I auditioned for the role of a park ranger in a film called, "What's a Natural Resource?" The director said I was talking too fast for the audience--second-graders. "They're second-graders," I said, "not imbeciles." I got the part.
June 5, 1999
My worst fear has come true. My car got the boot. I took my last $500, had a friend chauffeur me to the DMV and gave it to the sweaty man behind the plastic window.
June 6, 1999
Like anyone with a modicum of self-respect. I'm getting the hell out. It'll be nice to see people with cellulite again.
Oct. 10, 1999, Minneapolis
I'm doing a sexy bad-girl review called "Vixens." To promote the show, we performed at the Mall of America for a senior citizen job fair.
Jan. 1, 2000: My 30-ish Birthday
Every time I think about going back to L.A., I get a stomach ache. I've always thought acting was cheaper than therapy. Maybe in Chicago. Not in Hollywood. I became a performer so that I could express myself. Creativity is my quest, not fame. I was meant to play a happier version of me, and if that means I won't become a household name, so be it. L.A. knocked the stars out of my eyes. I'll always be indebted to L.A. for that.
Holly Schroeder is a globe-trotting actress/singer/writer. She now lives in a conservative neighborhood, has no parking violations and will never again work as a caterer as long as she lives.