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Laugh Lines

August 10, 2000

Party's Over: "Now that the [Republican National] convention is over, the planners are returning all the stuff they rented: the stages, the decorations, the black, the Latino and the gay people in the audience." (Jay Leno)


The Essential David Letterman

Top 10 Signs You've

Nominated a Dumb Guy

10. Gets sidetracked during speeches because the microphones look like delicious ice cream cones.

9. The deep wrinkles in his brow are from the countless times he's said, "Huh?"

8. Frequently misspells "GOP."

7. Ends speech by dramatically setting fire to the Constitution.

6. Brags that he combines morality of Clinton with charisma of Gore.

5. Voted to kick the exotic dancer out of the "Big Brother" house.

4. Claims to be inspired by great presidents such as Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln and Richard Dawson.

3. Only does interviews for wrestling magazines.

2. Vows that, come November, "the hookers are gonna be calling me 'Mr. President.' "

1. Promises to put a man on the moon by 2005.

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