Toga Party 2000: The presidential race is rigged. Why else would Off-Kilter be banned from the stage in this week's candidate debates, even though they're being hosted by our own newspaper?
The official explanation is that nobody takes Off-Kilter's presidential candidacy seriously, to which we say, "Then why was Alan Keyes invited?"
We have just as many delegates as he does, plus we're the only syndicated columnist in history to qualify for Secret Service protection. OK, maybe "protection" isn't the right word, but agents have definitely been watching us since the other candidates got into town.
Anyway, we're tired of being blackballed by the political establishment, so we're forming a new party, the Toga Party. Our campaign slogan: Vote till you puke.
We've also crafted a platform that ignores boring stuff like education and focuses on everyday concerns, such as Andy Warhol's dictum that everyone gets 15 minutes of fame. We think Americans deserve better, so we'll pass a law to give citizens 20 minutes of fame.
Here are some frequently asked questions about our candidacy:
* What is your approach to foreign policy?
We favor compassionate conservatism. For example, during our first term, we'd like to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony. However, any nation that refuses to participate will be bombed.
* Have you noticed that greatest-hits CDs always leave off one or two hits, so you still have to buy another album?
Yes, and we promise to issue an executive order requiring that greatest-hits CDs contain all hits, as chosen by a panel of fans.
* Al Gore's commercials say he'll "fight for us." What will you do?
Off-Kilter is the only candidate willing to step into a vat of Jell-O with female mud wrestlers.
* What are your qualifications for office? Have you ever been a pro basketball player, billionaire, vice president of the U.S. or spoiled son of a former president?
No, but if Off-Kilter were a nation, it would have the 457th-largest economy in the world. Also, Sen. John McCain isn't the only candidate who was held prisoner during the Vietnam War. In 1968, at the height of the Tet Offensive, Off-Kilter was confined to his room for two harrowing weeks after throwing a rock through a neighbor's window.
* What is your stance on daylight savings time?
We plan to rewrite the "spring forward, fall back" rule to replace the "spring forward" part with 51 "fall backs" so that Americans gain an hour every weekend.
