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Laugh Lines

March 05, 2000

The Heart of the Matter: "Former President George Bush, as you know, out of the hospital after he had heart palpitations. Nothing too serious. In fact not only is he doing great . . . he vowed to do another one of his parachute jumps. He is going to jump out of a plane again. In fact, this would make him the first politician with a heart condition to do a free fall since Bill Bradley." (Jay Leno)

Bobbing Along: "I never heard of Bob Jones [University]. You ever hear of Bob Jones before this? Does it sound like a school? I mean, Harvard, Yale, Bob. It sounds like a Chevrolet dealership." (Leno)

Kathie Leeway: "Kathie Lee Gifford announced that she will not renew her contract with the 'Live With Regis and Kathie Lee' TV show. That means just one thing: Cody and Cassidy will have to work double shifts down at the clothes factory." (Jerry Perisho)

More Kathie Leeway: "Co-host Regis Philbin could not be reached for comment because he is currently on cloud nine. Kathie Lee says she plans to return to her old roots and become a brunet." (Craig Kilborn)

Rising Son: "George W. Bush spoke to Catholics in Ohio and compared himself to John F. Kennedy. He can't name foreign leaders and he compares himself to JFK--no wonder President Bush always said that Dan Quayle was like a son to him." (Argus Hamilton)

Pyramid Scheme: "George W. Bush said Republican rival John McCain is wrongly portraying him as a bigot. McCain shot back that Bush was in denial, to which Bush yelled, 'Wrong! I have never been to Egypt!' " (Alex Kaseberg)

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